A Bloody Parody? Soul Reaver
by Mikoto Zoku
Summary: Chapter 10 complete! Raziel squares off against Zephon! (Rating is for language.)
1. Introduction

A Bloody... Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
I probably shouldn't be doing this... but I've just got to! Since Soul Reaver is my favorite game of the entire series, I'm gonna butcher the hell out of it! Hehehe! Oh, and one more thing...  
  
SCREW DISCLAIMERS!! You ain't getting one! Mwahaha!  
  
(P.S. LoK:SR is property of C.D. and Eidos...)  
  
Chapter One  
  
Introduction  
  
MZ: We all know how this one begins. At the Sanctuary of the Clans, the devastated Pillars of Nosgoth, Kain sits on his throne. Raziel begins his voice over:  
  
"Kain is deified. The clans tell tales of him. Few know the truth..."  
  
RAZIEL: Deified? Only a few really DO know the truth! Disgusting is more like it! Just look at his face! See how hideous and mutated it is?  
  
Camera zooms in on Kain. His cute, little childlike face is scrunched up in concentration; his tongue sticks out the side of his mouth. His complete and utter attention is on the GameBoy Advance in his claws. Suddenly, a big bright smile creeps across his adorable little chibi-fied face.  
  
KAIN: Yay! I finally got my Pokemon to evolve! I'm so happy! ^_^  
  
RAZIEL: (shudders) Shall I continue?  
  
MZ: Please...  
  
RAZIEL: (skimming through dialogue, muttering to himself) 'He was human once,' blah blah blah. 'I am Raziel.' Yes I know that... '...less human...' '...more...divine.' Ah, here we go...  
  
"Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with a new gift..."  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, that damn contraption that he hasn't put down in over a century. If I hear him say—  
  
KAIN: Pikachu! I choose you!  
  
RAZIEL: Just one more time... : ( (twitches)  
  
"Some years after the master, our evolution would follow. Until I had the honor of surpassing my lord..."  
  
RAZIEL: Well, it's about damn time! I haven't been putting up with his stupid crap all these years for nothing!  
  
"For my transgression, I earned a new kind of reward..."  
  
RAZIEL: (excitedly) Reward? I get a reward?  
  
MZ: Uh... Sort of...  
  
RAZIEL: Do I get to pick my reward? I always wanted a mommy... u_u  
  
Ariel: (materializes) What? I wasn't good enough to be your mom?  
  
RAZIEL: No! You're too fuggin' ugly! o_O  
  
Ariel: Waaah... T_T (leaves)  
  
RAZIEL: Ahem... As I was saying...  
  
"...I earned a new kind of reward... Agony."  
  
RAZIEL: Agony? What the hell kind of reward is agony anyway?  
  
MZ: Hey! Are you gonna quit procrastinating? It's already taking over two pages to write a parody of just one paragraph! You seem like you're trying to stall your inevitable demise or something... Where the hell is Kain anyway? He's supposed to be tearing your wings off right now.  
  
RAZIEL: He's over there. But like we really need him to do that anyway. These wings are barely on my back to begin with.  
  
Raziel points to his 'wings', two poorly cut out pieces of cardboard that have been hot-glued to his back. One wing is already starting to fall off.  
  
RAZIEL: Why the hell do I have to wear these ridiculous things? Who the hell made these anyway! They don't even match! A one-armed blind man could have done a better job than this! And what happened to the real wings I was promised?  
  
MZ: Budget cuts. After the hella-cool theme music, the scene construction, and Kain's GameBoy, we couldn't afford to get you real wings.  
  
RAZIEL: Kain gets a GameBoy, and I get cardboard wings... W.T.F.!  
  
MZ: Don't worry. I got you a couple bed sheets to use as your tattered wings.  
  
RAZIEL: Gee... Why am I not delirious with joy...? And I suppose you bought them used too?  
  
MZ: No, even better! I found them in a dumpster!  
  
RAZIEL: (irritated) You're such a cheap bastard.  
  
Kain pops up behind Raziel from out of nowhere.  
  
KAIN: Hey Razzy-boy! What'cha doin'? Hey, cool! What are these things on your back?  
  
Kain grabs hold of the wings, but due to their 'delicate' nature, he accidentally pulls them off. The glue on Raziel's back tears his skin.  
  
RAZIEL: OW! That hurt, you crotch-monkey! That's gonna leave a welt!  
  
KAIN: Crotch-monkey? How dare you! You'll pay for this! No one hurts my feelings like that and gets away with it!  
  
"There was only one possible outcome – my eternal damnation..."  
  
RAZIEL: I call Kain a crotch-monkey and I am immediately sentenced to eternal damnation? Who the hell did I piss off?   
  
"I, Raziel, was to suffer the fate of traitors and weaklings – to burn forever in the bowels of the Lake of the Dead."  
  
Scene change to the Abyss. Turel and Dumah drag Raziel to the cliff's edge and wait for their cue. Kain stands back; his interest is once again devoted to his game.  
  
TUREL: Um... Kain? Are we gonna throw him in or what?  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, really. I'm getting sick of these guys holding me. Especially Dumah. His claws are all sweaty and he stinks like ass. I'd rather my eyes be stabbed out with a fistful of rusted nails than to suffer in his presence a moment longer.  
  
DUMAH: Hey! It's not my fault I sweat when I'm excited!  
  
RAZIEL: Sick freak! What are you, getting off at the thought of my impending death? Damn necrophiliacs...  
  
MZ: Hey Kain!  
  
KAIN: Huh? Wha?  
  
MZ: Kain! You've only got three actual lines in this whole introduction. You'd think that even YOU could not screw them up!  
  
KAIN: Oh, yea. I was getting to that.  
  
"Cast him in."  
  
Kain goes back to playing his game.  
  
TUREL: Finally.  
  
MZ: WAIT!  
  
RAZIEL: Now what?  
  
MZ: Don't you see a problem here?  
  
RAZIEL: What's that?  
  
MZ: You're supposed to be thrown into the Lake of the Dead.  
  
RAZIEL: No shit. And your point being...?  
  
MZ: How can there be a Lake of the Dead with no lake?  
  
Everyone looks to the abyss to find that it is a completely empty pit.  
  
DUMAH: (leans over edge and calls out) Hello!!  
  
DUMAH'S ECHO: Shut up Ass-stink!  
  
DUMAH: Hey! :*(  
  
RAZIEL: Who would drain the Abyss of all its water?  
  
Everyone looks to Rahab questioningly.  
  
RAHAB: Uh... I was thirsty? I needed to fill my pool? Raziel told me to do it?  
  
RAZIEL: Urge to kill rising...  
  
TUREL: That there pit has got no bottom. Yo boss! Ya still want we should throw him in?  
  
RAZIEL: Turel?  
  
TUREL: Whud is it yous wants?  
  
RAZIEL: One: you don't live in New York City. Two: you're not part of the mafia. Hell, you're not even Italian.  
  
TUREL: And whud is it you'd be sayin'?  
  
RAZIEL: Stop talking like a FUGGIN' MORON!  
  
TUREL: Ow! Not so loud! You know I have sensitive ears!  
  
RAZIEL: SORRY!! I DID NOT REALIZE IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TALK LOUD!  
  
TUREL: x_X ...ouchies...  
  
DUMAH: Hey Kain! Are we gonna throw him in now?  
  
KAIN: (still playing Pokemon) Uh... yeah... with the 'cast'ing and the 'in' and stuff...  
  
Turel and Dumah prepare to throw Razzy in...  
  
MZ: WAIT!  
  
RAZIEL, TUREL, and DUMAH: Now what?  
  
MZ: You can't throw him in there! He has to burn in the abyss! That's the way it goes! How is he supposed to come back and destroy you if he's falling down a hole for all eternity?   
  
Turel and Dumah look to each other, a realization dawns on them. Raziel CAN'T destroy them if he is falling down a hole for all eternity.  
  
TUREL: Good point, Mikoto. Shall we, Dumah? : P  
  
DUMAH: Let's. : D  
  
Turel and Dumah attempt to throw him in, but... it doesn't quite go that way. With the use of her divine authoress powers, Mikoto stops the two vamps in ways so mysterious and unknown that words cannot describe the awesome events unfolding.  
  
ZEPHON: Translation: Mikoto says stop, and for some reason they do.  
  
MZ: Dude! You totally killed the awesomeness of the awesome special effects displaying my awesome power! Look! Turel and Dumah are frozen in awe at my power!  
  
The two vamps are mesmerized by the sparkler in Mikoto's hand. As the sparkler dies, the two vamps snap out of their hypnosis.  
  
TUREL: What happened?  
  
DUMAH: I donno...  
  
MIKOTO: So much for that... Ah well, it's time for plan B! If you want to see Raziel properly vanquished, you'll follow me.  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastically devastated) Why me?  
  
Scene Change! Niagara Falls, Canada.  
  
Raziel is placed inside a shoddy barrel, suspended from a bridge stretching across the Erie River, just above the Canadian Horseshoe Falls.  
  
RAZIEL: You're going to throw me off that waterfall in a barrel?  
  
MZ: Why not?  
  
RAZIEL: It's not very original. Lots of people have gone over the falls in a barrel before.  
  
MZ: True, but many didn't survive. Besides, it'll be amusing to see a water-sensitive vampire go over the falls in a barrel constructed of cardboard and hot-glue.  
  
TUREL: I bet that water's freezing too.  
  
DUMAH: Yeah, his scream will reach higher octaves when he hits that water!  
  
RAZIEL: This sucks. Of all the vampires, I'm now getting zinged by Dumah. When will this day end?  
  
MZ: Oh, Raziel! I almost forgot! You'll need this!  
  
Raziel skeptically looks at the small piece of plastic that has been placed in his claws.  
  
RAZIEL: What's this?  
  
MZ: It's a shower cap. To protect that 'beautiful' hair of yours.  
  
RAZIEL: I'm about to experience an extremely agonizing death. DO YOU THINK I'M THE LEAST BIT CONCERNED ABOUT MY HAIR??  
  
MZ: Well, how else do we explain the fact that your jaw falls off during your descent, but your hair stays intact?  
  
RAZIEL: I don't care. I'm not wearing it.  
  
MELCHIAH: I'd wear it. Heaven knows I wouldn't want MY hair to fall out.   
  
Melchiah slicks back imaginary hair on his bald head. Zephon and Rahab give him worried looks, and then slowly inch away from him.  
  
MZ: Just wear it, Raziel. OH! And here are your 'tattered wings'.  
  
Raziel: (examines the bed sheets) There are yellow stains on them...  
  
MZ: Hey! Don't complain! I got a good bargain on them! Besides, the stains will wash out when you hit the water.  
  
KAIN: Um, Mikoto...  
  
MZ: Yes, Kain?  
  
KAIN: Can I say my line again? I can't wait any longer.  
  
RAZIEL: It's so comforting to know how anxiously you await my demise...  
  
KAIN: (bouncing on his tiptoes) No, it's just that I have to use the little boys room. I've been holding it all day!  
  
MZ: (rolling her eyes) Okay Kain. Say your line.  
  
"Cast him in!"  
  
Kain hurriedly runs away. Turel and Dumah look to Mikoto just to make sure she won't interrupt this time. When they are certain she will remain silent, they cut the rope that the barrel suspends from. The barrel falls to the fast moving water below with Raziel 'safely' inside. The barrel is quickly carried downstream towards the waterfall. The remaining vampires wave 'goodbye'.  
  
DUMAH: Bye, Raziel! Don't forget to write!  
  
MELCHIAH: Bring me back a souvenir!  
  
RAHAB: Do be careful of the wildlife! I hear that evil, manipulative, giant squid-like monsters are on the rise this time of year!  
  
TUREL: (to Mikoto) I'm on the 'rise' this time of year.  
  
MZ: O.O Pervert! (bashes Zephon over the head with a baseball bat)  
  
ZEPHON: Adios, mi amigo! Do enjoy your vacation!  
  
RAZIEL: Screw you all! (tries unsuccessfully to flip them off) Damn, good for nothing claws!  
  
Finally, Raziel falls over the edge. The barrel busts open on the first rock it smashes into. The combination of burning water and repeated smashing into rocks bestows immense suffering upon the fallen vampire. And then Raziel crashes into the waters below.  
  
"Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss..."  
  
RAZIEL: I thought I was in the Erie River.  
  
MZ: You are, but the script says you're falling in the abyss.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing down here anyway? Shouldn't you be drowning?  
  
MZ: I'm the authoress! I can't drown!  
  
RAZIEL: Just cuz you're the authoress doesn't mean you are immune to dying.  
  
MZ: Whatever! Whatever! I do want I want!  
  
"Unspeakable pain... relentless agony... ...time ceased to exist... ...only this torture... and a deepening hatred for the hypocrisy that damned me to this hell."  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell is that babble supposed to mean?  
  
MZ: You hate Kain and everything about him.  
  
RAZIEL: I already hated him before.  
  
MZ: You hate him even more now. You hate everything about him, and you hate him for how he has betrayed you.  
  
RAZIEL: How HE'S betrayed me? Last I checked, you were a Raz-fan and you're the one authoring my suffering!  
  
MZ: Wait! This is just a parody! I didn't write the original storyline!  
  
RAZIEL: Get over here! I'm gonna tear you to pieces!  
  
MZ: Woah! Look at the time! Gotta go! (instantly disappears)  
  
RAZIEL: Damn her...  
  
"An eternity passed, and my torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness..."  
  
RAZIEL: THEY all think I'm crazy! But I'm not CRAZY! THEY'RE the ones who are CRAZY! You'll see!  
  
"The descent had destroyed me... and yet I lived."  
  
Raziel settles at the bottom of the abyss, and then slowly rises to his feet. He looks over his new, changed appearance.  
  
RAZIEL: Destroyed? I am not destroyed! Look at how much weight I've lost! Wait a second, I think I'm on to something here... That's it!  
  
Scene change! One of those cheesy studio sets for those crappy infomercials.  
  
RAZIEL: Hello, everybody! And welcome to "Raziel's Do-It-Yourself, Say Good-bye to Your Fat Ass, Ultra-Slim-Down Diet Program!"  
  
Audience applauds.  
  
RAZIEL: That's right, folks! You too can loose all those unnecessary pounds! Just take a look at me! I used to weigh an unbelievable 180 pounds of lean, mean muscle!  
  
Audience gasps in shock.  
  
RAZIEL: But now I weight a mere 95 pounds of hideous deformity! And that's just in the material plane! Why, I'm virtually weightless in the spectral plane!  
  
Audience applauds.  
  
RAZIEL: And now, all of you at home can share in my success! For only six easy payments of $49.95, you can drop half your weight, or more, at the mild side effects of a few lost vital organs and missing facial features!  
  
Audience cheers.  
  
ELDER GOD: Er... Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?  
  
ELDER GOD: Raziel, wake up! You're dreaming.  
  
Raziel gets up, finding himself still at the bottom of the abyss.  
  
"Raziel... You are worthy."  
  
RAZIEL: (hopeful) You mean I'm gonna make millions from my weight-loss plan?  
  
ELDER GOD: No you're not.  
  
RAZIEL: But you said I was...  
  
ELDER GOD: I said 'worthy', not wealthy.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, crap...  
  
///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///  
  
Well, there you have it. It took an ungodly number of pages to write, considering the actual introduction is roughly four paragraphs long. This ended up being nine pages long, which is probably a record for me (for a single chapter anyway). I've got some ideas if I write another chapter. Well, honestly, what do you think? Should the absurdity continue? 


	2. Training: Part One

A Bloody.. Parody? Soul Reaver Style  
  
Chapter Two   
  
Training - Part One  
  
ELDER GOD: I know you, Raziel. You are worthy.  
  
RAZIEL: What madness is this? We've never met before!  
  
EG: Don't you remember? We went to preschool together. See?  
  
The Elder God hands Raziel a photo of the two of them as toddlers at Nosgoth Nursery School. A miniaturized version of the Elder God appears to have imprisoned Raziel in a playhouse, having wrapped his tentacles around all exits of the child-sized structure. A chibi-fied vampire Raziel is seen in one of the windows, crying his eyes out.  
  
MIKOTO: Aw, Razzy, you looked so cute! You poor little thing!  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess I was a cute kid. Though it seems I'm still being tortured as much now as I was back then. I mean, just look at me! What pitiful form is this that I have come to inhabit! Death would be a release, next to this travesty!  
  
MZ: Um, Raz. I hate to state the obvious, but you're already dead. In fact, you've died twice already.  
  
RAZIEL: Yes, that is a valid point. And I've got one of my own. This is the Underworld, the realm of the dead. How the hell did you get here?  
  
MZ: Took the subway train.  
  
RAZIEL: There are no subway trains in Nosgoth.  
  
MZ: How do you know? You've been dead an awfully long time. A lot of things can happen over the course of a few centuries..  
  
RAZIEL: Then shouldn't you be an old hag by now?  
  
MZ: Nope. I'm immortal.  
  
RAZIEL: No you're not. You're human.  
  
MZ: Says you.  
  
RAZIEL: Don't argue with me. I'm not stupid. I can clearly see that you are still human. And a subway train could not possibly bring you here. You must be dead if you are here.  
  
MZ: Dead. Alive. One such as myself, who is neither one nor the other, knows no difference.  
  
RAZIEL: You know.. That is just plain ridiculous! Just get out of here before I hurt you!  
  
MZ: Okay. But I'll be back! Mwahaha! (disappears)  
  
RAZIEL: Now where were we?  
  
EG: Let's see.. Ah, yes! You did not survive the abyss, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: No shit..  
  
EG: I have only spared you from total dissolution.  
  
RAZIEL: Lucky me. I would chose oblivion over this existence!  
  
EG: The choice is not yours.  
  
RAZIEL: Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I am destroyed!  
  
EG: You are reborn.  
  
RAZIEL: NOOO! I don't want to be reborn! I don't want to relive my childhood again! Those were the worst years of my life-- ..unlife.. Existence! The worst years of my existence!  
  
EG: No, not reborn like that. You see. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse that you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, I get it. I've been resurrected. Again. Whoopie. And I'm sure this third life of mine will suck more that the first two.  
  
EG: Perhaps. But life is not fair, Raziel. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I cannot spin them in the wheel of fate. They cannot complete their destinies.  
  
RAZIEL: Let me guess. This is where you tell me of MY destiny. Am I correct?  
  
EG: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself.  
  
RAZIEL: Sounds promising..  
  
EG: Settle your dispute with Kain. Destroy Him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls.. I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death..  
  
RAZIEL: Well, since you've taken the time and effort to sugarcoat it so much… Why the hell not?  
  
Raziel heads off on his quest. Soon, he comes across the first warp gate. He approaches it with curiosity.  
  
RAZIEL: Kick ass! A wide screen television!  
  
EG: That is no television, Raziel. These gates twist space, laying a path across great spans.  
  
RAZIEL: (ignores EG) Yeah, that's great. Now where's the remote?  
  
EG: There is no-  
  
RAZIEL: Found it!  
  
Raziel steps up to the gate and holds up the remote, pushing the power button on. The warp gate activates.  
  
EG: You must visit other gates before this portal will be opened to you.  
  
RAZIEL: No. It seems to be working fine.  
  
Raziel clicks more buttons on the remote, causing the image on the other side of the gate to change. Most of the images all appear to be nearly identical, with the exception of a different symbol in the center of each image. After cycling through all the images several times, Raziel turns off the gate and throws the remote in frustration.  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell! Did you forget to pay your satellite bill? The reception is lousy down here! Perhaps you should switch to cable..  
  
Raziel leaves the gate, and soon comes to a new room. He feels weak, and leans against a pillar.  
  
RAZIEL: Man, I am out of shape. I'm so exhausted, I feel like I haven't walked this much in centuries… (cue cheesy drum roll)  
  
EG: You are weak - you must feed.  
  
RAZIEL: I don't know about you, but I don't exactly see any fast food joints around here. Besides. The old hunger has left me; I have no desire for blood.  
  
EG: You are changed.  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Really? I hadn't noticed; what, with the decayed body of mine and all. Thanks for pointing it out to me.  
  
EG: You're blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need - you have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.  
  
RAZIEL: Souls, eh?  
  
A glowing ball of energy passes in front of Raziel's view. Intrigued by the Elder God's information, he watches it float around the chamber. Soon, he is running after the soul with his cowl pulled down, trying to consume it.  
  
RAZIEL: Get back here! I'll swallow your soul! Swallow your soul!!  
  
Raziel finally eats the soul and suddenly, a second one appears from out of nowhere.  
  
RAZIEL: Ooh! Dessert!  
  
As soon as Raziel eats the second soul, a third appears. His health not quite full, he eats that one as well. But then a forth soul manifests. Raziel finally makes the connection, that every time he eats a soul, it is replaced with another one for him to devour.  
  
RAZIEL: HURRAY! ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET!!! ^_^  
  
Though time stands still in the spectral realm, what seems like several hours have passed. Mikoto walks in.  
  
MZ: There you are! Where have you- Dear lord! What have you done to yourself?  
  
Raziel is slumped against a wall. His stomach, filled with numerous souls, has swollen to ten times its original size. A soul flutters around Raziel's prone body. Raziel, weak from overindulgence, slowly pulls his cowl down and struggles to pull in the soul.  
  
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-eight..  
  
MZ: TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT! You've eaten two hundred and ninety-eight souls?   
  
Raziel pulls his cowl down again, and sucks in another soul.  
  
RAZIEL: Two hundred and ninety-nine..  
  
MZ: You glutton! How could you gorge yourself like that?  
  
RAZIEL: (after eating another soul) Three hundred!  
  
MZ: That's enough! Get your ass up!  
  
RAZIEL: Can't. Too full.  
  
MZ: Alright. I've got a solution. : )  
  
Mikoto pulls out one of her pin-sized Soul Reaver replicas and approaches Raziel with a menacing look.  
  
RAZIEL: No! Not the Soul Reaver! Don't let it imprison me!  
  
Raziel struggles to escape, but he is unable to get up because of his oversized gut. Mikoto jabs the Reaver replica at his stomach and BAM! Raziel's tummy is popped like a balloon. Two hundred something souls escape and disappear as they fly away.  
  
RAZIEL: (distraught) All those poor, unfortunate souls... They were supposed to be my lunch..  
  
MZ: I've been waiting around long enough. It's time for you to continue your training. Now get a move on!  
  
RAZIEL: Why can't you do my training for me?  
  
MZ: I've got better things to do.  
  
RAZIEL: Like what?  
  
MZ: Like trading skin care treatments with Melchiah. Speaking of which, I'm late already. I'll see you later. (vanishes)  
  
Raziel begins to proceed to his next task, when he pauses for a moment in contemplation.  
  
RAZIEL: Skin care treatments with Melchiah? Doesn't he have the WORST complexion on all of Nosgoth?  
  
MZ: Yeah, he did. Until you were reborn.  
  
RAZIEL: Wha- Hey! That hurt! Wait a second. I thought you were leaving!  
  
MZ: I am. (disappears again.)  
  
Refocused on his training, Raziel comes to a series of ledges of which he must leap onto, and chasms he must jump across. He comes to the final chasm, which is a much farther distance than the previous ones.  
  
EG: Your wings, though ruined--  
  
RAZIEL: Wait, wait. I think I can figure this one out on my own. It's not like I didn't just jumped across a bunch of chasms a few moments ago. I think I've got the hang of it by now.  
  
Raziel leaps off the cliff. To his utter disbelief, he fails to reach the other side. Hell, he doesn't even make it halfway across. He finds that he has to climb the cliffs once again.  
  
RAZIEL: Son of a…  
  
Raziel returns to the chasm. The Elder God attempts his instruction again.  
  
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not-  
  
RAZIEL: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!  
  
Again, Raziel performs what would be a suicide leap if it were attempted by a mortal. Raziel gets about halfway across, and when he feels he is about to descend, he desperately flaps his arms to stay aloft. But, alas, he again finds himself falling to the landing below.  
  
RAZIEL: Damnit!  
  
Raziel begins his climb for the third time. Severely out of breath, he makes it to the summit once again.  
  
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold-  
  
RAZIEL: Wait. Before you go on. Let me ask you this.  
  
EG: (irritated) What is it?  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell is that blue energy thing blocking off the tunnel on the other side? And why the hell is it there?  
  
EG: It is an energy field. I've put it there so that you cannot progress until you have listened to and obeyed my instruction. The instruction that you have thus far chosen to ignore.  
  
RAZIEL: You mean, the instruction that will tell me how to get across this chasm?  
  
EG: Precisely.  
  
RAZIEL: Okay. Another question.  
  
EG: What?  
  
RAZIEL: How is it, that the blue energy field can effectively hold me back, when I can't even reach it in the first place?  
  
EG: Er, I.. um..  
  
RAZIEL: Wouldn't I have to listen to your instructions to even get near that energy field to begin with? Doesn't that make your little energy field pointless and irrelevant? Can't you do anything more useful with that energy thingy? Like, perhaps, make me a bridge so that I can cross this chasm?  
  
EG: (annoyed) Listen, I am not here to make your journey easier for you.  
  
RAZIEL: Yes you are. You're supposed to be telling me how to do things.  
  
EG: (enraged) IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEN WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!  
  
RAZIEL: Okay, okay. I'll listen. Jeez. Don't get your tentacles in a knot.  
  
EG: Your wings, though ruined, are not without purpose. Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.  
  
RAZIEL: (skeptical) I don't know if it'll work. These bed sheets Mikoto gave me for wings don't look like they'll hold. Well, here goes nothing..  
  
Raziel leaps off the cliff. At the pinnacle of his leap, he takes hold of his wings. The flaps of cotton hold him aloft and his descent is slowed. With ease, he lands gracefully on the other side of the chasm.  
  
RAZIEL: Well, what do you know? It worked! (to EG) Why didn't you tell me to do that sooner?  
  
EG: (to self) Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill him. You need him to destroy Kain. Don't kill-  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, I think I'll leave you alone to your insane rambling.  
  
The energy field over the tunnel dissipates and Raziel continues onward.  
  
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Okay, this seems like a good place to leave off. A few pages shorter than Chapter one, but if I were to keep going, this chapter may very well end up being fifteen pages long. And that's just too long for me. I tend to get lost in chapters that are too long. Especially since this chapter doesn't seem as interesting as the first one. Or maybe it is. I don't know. What do you think?   
  
Oh, and I'd like to thank all those who reviewed. Without them I might not have continued this story. As thanks, everyone who reviewed gets their own needle-sized Reaver replicas and a voodoo doll of any LoK character of their choice. : D 


	3. Training: Part Two

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Three: Training: Part Two  
  
After finally (and correctly) leaping the gap, (and stressing the Elder God into a near nervous breakdown) Raziel finds himself in a chamber with ravenous beasts below him.  
  
RAZIEL: Holy mother of… What scabrous wretches are these? They've got the nastiest asses I've ever seen! Don't they bother clothing themselves?  
  
ELDER GOD: Like you're one to talk, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up. What are they anyway?  
  
EG: Sluagh, the scavengers of the underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.  
  
RAZIEL: Souls?? They're eating MY souls? How dare they! DIE, BASTARDS!!!  
  
Raziel leaps down upon the unsuspecting Sluagh. After horrifically slaughtering the poor, defenseless sluagh, Raziel take a moment to rest. While he does so, Mikoto enters the chamber and takes in the scene around her. Blood has spattered the walls. Gore and unidentifiable body parts are haphazardly strewn about the room. Raziel stands in the middle of the carnage, leaning on the pole-arm weapon he had used to vanquish his prey. Mikoto looks at him skeptically.  
  
MIKOTO: You KNOW none of this makes any sense, don't you? And just where did you get that weapon from?  
  
RAZIEL: I just picked it up.   
  
Mikoto gives him another skeptical look.  
  
RAZIEL: What? You thought I should just kill them with my bare claws?  
  
MIKOTO: That's what they're there for…   
  
RAZIEL: Well, what fun is THAT?  
  
MIKOTO: You're in the spectral realm… You can't use weapons here. (takes pole-arm away from Raz)  
  
RAZIEL: Says who?  
  
MIKOTO: Says me! Now if you don't get moving, I'm gonna shove this pole-arm up your ass!  
  
RAZIEL: Eww… but it's got Sluagh blood on it…  
  
MIKOTO: And sluagh aren't supposed to have blood!  
  
RAZIEL: (after glancing around at the gore) Could've fooled me…  
  
MIKOTO: GET OUT OF HERE!  
  
RAZIEL: Eep! (runs away)  
  
Raziel soon comes to an open area, where he sees a blue, swirly vortex of energy. After staring at it for a moment, Raziel rubs his eyes, and looks again. To his disbelief, the swirly, blue light is still there.  
  
RAZIEL: Man, I just KNEW I shouldn't have smoked that stuff Turel gave to me. Whatever was in that is STILL making me trip…  
  
EG: You are not hallucinating, Raziel. These portals are your conduit between the spirit and material realms. With their aid, you may gather matter and will yourself to become manifest in the physical world.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah! So I don't have to stay in this dump for all eternity then?  
  
EG: (annoyed) No, you don't. You are free to roam the physical realm. This is taxing, however - your strength must first be fully restored. You require no conduit to return to this plane - you may abandon your physical body at any time.  
  
Raziel cautiously steps upon the portal and shifts to the material realm. He experiences a strange vertigo as he makes the transition.  
  
RAZIEL: Woah! That was the strangest feeling ever! That made this weird 'flip-flop' feeling in my stomach!  
  
MIKOTO: (from behind Raz) That's impossible. You have no stomach.  
  
RAZIEL: (turns around in surprise) How'd you get here so fast?  
  
MIKOTO: I come and go as I please.  
  
RAZIEL: Well then, can you please 'go'? You make me nervous.  
  
MIKOTO: : P Hehehe. Okay. I'll leave you be. For now… (disappears)  
  
EG: (to Raziel) Sustain your strength to prolong your manifestation in the physical world. If you fail to feed, or absorb too many wounds, this fragile matter will dissolve.  
  
While the EG has been giving his little speech, Raziel has been continuously shifting back and forth between the two realms, completely ignoring EG's advice.  
  
RAZIEL: (chanting while shifting) Spectral… Material… Spectral… Material… Spectral…  
  
EG: Raziel.   
  
RAZIEL: Spectral… Material…  
  
EG: Raziel!  
  
RAZIEL: Huh? Wha?   
  
EG: Have you been listening to me?  
  
RAZIEL: Oh! I'm sorry. Did you say something?  
  
Raziel continues to the next corridor. Just as he enters the hallway, there is a pit of water at his feet. He stops and gazes at it hesitantly.  
  
EG: You are young yet Raziel -  
  
RAZIEL: 'Young'? I'm over a thousand years old…  
  
EG: Just please listen to me this time Raziel - you still retain many of your vampiric weaknesses.  
  
RAZIEL: Weaknesses! I'm supposed to be your 'Angel of Death'! I'm not supposed to have weaknesses! How am I supposed to carry out your will if I have weaknesses? Why didn't you make me invincible or something!  
  
EG: Because then the game would be too easy.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah. Good point. Please continue.  
  
EG: Immersion in water, while not fatal, will dissolve your physical body, forcing your return to the spirit world.   
  
While EG has been talking, Raziel has decided to investigate EG's water theory.  
  
EG: What are you doing?  
  
RAZIEL: Heehee… This is cool.  
  
Raziel has a claw submerged in the water. The water bubbles and boils around Raziel's flesh, like a hunk of bone in a vat of acid. Raziel's claw slowly dissolves, but being un-un-dead, he does not feel any pain.   
  
EG: Be aware that in the spectral realm, water has neither heft nor lift. It stands as thin as air. You know, you should really stop doing that, lest you want your whole arm to dissolve.  
  
RAZIEL: I know what I'm doing.  
  
EG: And where have I heard THAT one before??  
  
RAZIEL: (pulls his arm up) Look, I'm not gonna go burning off my entire ar- (looks at the stump that used to be his hand) WAAAHHHH!!!! My hand! My poor precious hand! It's gone!  
  
EG: That'll teach ya…  
  
After Raz's hand grows back, he continues onward. He comes to another open room. From the safety of a high ledge, Raziel spots two hideous creatures and a single human. The human sits on one side of a table while the creatures sit on the other side.  
  
HUMAN: Blackjack! Dealer wins!  
  
RAZIEL: Ew… These guys are even more hideous than the sluagh. What are these creatures?  
  
EG: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.   
  
RAZIEL: That's impossible - these foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood. (after a moment of thought) Then again, we ARE talking about Dumah's children here…  
  
EG: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.  
  
RAZIEL: That's true. After all, a couple of Dumahim wouldn't be playing Blackjack with a human when I was a vampire.   
  
Raziel continues to watch the trio below him with mild curiosity.  
  
HUMAN: Dealer has 21. You lose again.  
  
DUMAHIM #1: That's the forty-seventh time in a row!  
  
DUMAHIM #2: Yeah! I think he's cheating!  
  
HUMAN: I'm not cheating! You guys are just too stupid to know when to stop before busting.  
  
DUMAHIM #2: So we're stupid, huh? (rises from his seat aggressively)  
  
HUMAN: (panicked) I didn't mean stupid! What I meant is that it's taking you a while to catch on to the rules!  
  
DUMAHIM #1: Oh! So now we're slow too? (throws table, cards fly everywhere) Let's get him!  
  
The two vampires pounce on the human, viciously tearing his flesh apart. Limbs are torn from his body. As he screams his last breath, they drain him of his blood.  
  
RAZIEL: (trying not to hurl) That was the most disgusting, wretched thing I have ever seen! Those are DEFINITELY Dumah's children. That guy never had good table manners…  
  
During his attempt not to vomit, Raziel's grip on the ledge slips, and he falls from the edge. With a loud splash, he falls into the water below, and instantly dissolves. The two Dumahim have obviously heard the commotion and go to investigate.  
  
DUMAHIM #1: What was that?  
  
DUMAHIM #2: I donno. There's nothing here…  
  
Raziel rematerializes.  
  
RAZIEL: Damn that sucked.  
  
DUMAHIM #2: Hey! Who are you?  
  
Raziel ignores the inquiry and approaches the vampires as he speaks.  
  
RAZIEL: I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself.  
  
DUMAHIM #1: (whispers to D#2) Who is he talking to?  
  
DUMAHIM #2: (whispers back) I don't know… but did he just call us his opponents?  
  
RAZIEL: Physical wounds are fleeting - a vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved.  
  
DUMAHIM #1: Dude, what's he doing?  
  
RAZIEL: Vampires need only fear wounds that impale or inflame.  
  
DUMAHIM #2: I think he's threatening us.  
  
RAZIEL: Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.  
  
DUMAHIM #1: No, I think he wants to kill us.  
  
DUMAHIM #2: (angry) You just HAD to pick a room that had water, sunlight, AND a spike-thingy on the wall, didn't you?  
  
DUMAHIM #1: (sheepishly) Well, I thought this place seemed like a good idea at the time…  
  
RAZIEL: I would have to modify my tactics to suit my foes.  
  
Raziel advances on the vampires.  
  
DUMAHIM #2: This guy's for serious!  
  
DUMAHIM #1: Hey dude, whatever it is we did, we didn't mean it! AAUGGHHH!!!  
  
Unfortunately for the vampires, Raziel disregards their attempted pleas for mercy. One vampire is treated to a nice watery grave. The other, is pleasantly impaled on the 'spike-thingy on the wall'. With the vampires dead, their souls begin to float around the room.  
  
EG: Unfettered from the flesh, a creature's souls fades swiftly into the spectral realm. Draw it in quickly, Raziel, or you will be compelled to follow.  
  
RAZIEL: BURP!  
  
EG: (disgusted) You ate their souls already? You didn't even give me enough time to finish my dialogue!  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, you don't need to tell me twice when there's free food for the taking.  
  
Raziel strides over to a large block along the far wall.  
  
EG: Your physical prowess surpasses what you knew in life. Even massive obstacles can be moved effortlessly.  
  
RAZIEL: What? You want me to move this big block thing?  
  
EG: Yes, Raziel. You now have the strength to do so.  
  
RAZIEL: But I just ate! I'll get a muscle cramp if I don't wait a while first!  
  
MIKOTO: (pops in from out of nowhere) Damn it, Raziel! We don't have all day! Just move the friggin' block!  
  
RAZIEL: Why should I? I'm gonna be moving the damn things throughout the rest of the game! I can skip this first one.  
  
MIKOTO: Idiot! If you don't do this first one, you won't get to the rest!  
  
RAZIEL: All the better!  
  
The pole-arm covered in sluagh blood reappears in Mikoto's hand. She holds it up threateningly.  
  
MIKOTO: Move it, or else!  
  
RAZIEL: (panicked) Alright! Alright! I'll do it!  
  
Raziel starts to move the block. He pulls it slightly away from the wall, then suddenly clutches his back.  
  
RAZIEL: OW! My back! It hurts! I think I tore a muscle!  
  
MIKOTO: Faker! (smacks him across the back with the pole-arm)  
  
RAZIEL: OOWWWW! (crashes to the ground) I can't move!  
  
MIKOTO: Damn it, Raziel. You're so damn lazy. I'll move it myself.  
  
Mikoto proceeds to move the block for Raziel, placing it below the next ledge.  
  
MIKOTO: There. Are you happy now? You didn't have to move it! Now you may continue.  
  
RAZIEL: No, I can't. I really can't move…  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, for heaven's sake!  
  
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Chapter three done. Sorry if it seems a little dull, but how else can I make the training sessions funny? Well, as soon as Raziel recovers from his 'back injury', the next chapter will bring him to the Sanctuary, the Lake of the Dead, and to his clan lands.   
  
And reviews are always appreciated! ^_^ 


	4. The Future Nosgoth

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Four: The Future Nosgoth  
  
After five months of physical therapy, Raziel is finally well enough to continue on his quest. He emerges from a door and finds himself before the ruins of the once glorious Sanctuary of the clans.  
  
RAZIEL: My God… The Sanctuary of the Clans, reduced to ruin… Beyond these wall lay the pillars of Nosgoth, the seat of Kain's empire. How humble it now appeared, collapsing into the dust of its former magnificence. And yet I had only just emerged… In the moment between my execution and resurrection, centuries had apparently passed…  
  
EG: This world is wracked with cataclysms - the earth strains to shrug off the pestilence of Kain's parasitic empire. The fate of this world was preordained in an instant, by a solitary man. Unwilling to martyr himself to restore Nosgoth's balance, Kain condemned the world to the decay you see. In that moment, the unraveling began… now it is nearly played out. Nosgoth teeters on the brink of collapse - it's fragile balance cannot hold.  
  
With both their little speeches complete, Raziel stands in place as if expecting something. He looks around suspiciously. Soon, he grows impatient, then paranoid, and finally completely panic-stricken.  
  
EG: What is wrong Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: Haven't you noticed that whenever there's a long line of dialogue Mikoto usually does something to make me either say or do something incredibly stupid to humiliate myself?  
  
EG: And here I thought you were fully capable of doing that on your own. Are you saying you're THAT pathetic that you need Mikoto's help even when trying to look stupid?  
  
RAZIEL: (defensively) NO! I can make myself look stupid without her help! See! Watch this!  
  
Raziel takes about fifty paces away from the Sanctuary doors and begins to stretch his legs.  
  
RAZIEL: The doors of the Sanctuary were immovable, either barred from the inside or rusted shut. I would need to find another means of entry.  
  
At that, Raziel charges towards the doors like an irate bull. Moving incredibly fast, he rams into the doors, head first. Of course, the doors don't budge, and Raziel is thrown backward onto his butt.  
  
RAZIEL: That hurt… :*(  
  
In a hurry, Mikoto comes running up to Raziel.  
  
MIKOTO: (panting) Sorry! I'm late! (pant…wheeze) Did I miss anything?  
  
RAZIEL: (standing up) No! No! You didn't miss anything!  
  
EG: (snicker) Yeah, right!  
  
RAZIEL: No, I was just on my way to… the Abyss! Yeah, that's right! I was just thinking about heading over there!  
  
EG: And when did you get THAT bright idea? Was it before, or after, you smacked your head into a three-foot-thick iron door at running speed?  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up!  
  
MIKOTO: (curious) You really did that, Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, well…  
  
MIKOTO: (getting upset) You mean, you made a fool of yourself WITHOUT my help?  
  
RAZIEL: (sheepishly) Yeah…  
  
MIKOTO: (very upset) But, if you can manage to do that without me, then I no longer have any purpose! My life is meaningless now! I'm going to go throw myself into the Abyss! Farewell, Raziel! (fades away)  
  
When Mikoto vanishes, Raziel takes a comfortable seat on a nearby rock and begins to polish his claws. When it is apparent that he does not intend to move any time soon, the EG interrupts him.  
  
EG: Aren't you gonna go after her?  
  
RAZIEL: Hell NO! The sooner that girl is out of my hair, the better!  
  
EG: You're not even going to watch her jump?  
  
RAZIEL: (stands up) Oh yeah! That'll probably be the best thing I'll see for a long time to come!  
  
Raziel hurriedly runs towards the abyss. So impatient to see Mikoto's demise, he doesn't even bother to fight off the wandering Dumahim. In his haste, he even misses a curious looking door as he runs by it. Emerging at the Abyss, he takes a look around. He carefully crosses the rickety, old bridge and walks to the edge of the cliff.  
  
RAZIEL: This, at least, remained constant. The endlessly swirling vortex of the abyss. My tomb, and the womb of my rebirth.  
  
Raziel rises to his feet, still looking downward into the swirling water.  
  
RAZIEL: Damn, I must have missed her fall…  
  
MIKOTO: TAG! You're it!  
  
Mikoto slams her hands into Raziel's back. He looses his balance and plummets into the Lake of the Dead.  
  
RAZIEL: DAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNNN YOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel finds himself back at the bottom of the Abyss in the spectral realm.  
  
RAZIEL: I. Hate. Her. SO MUCH!  
  
EG: As my agent, you are beyond death, Raziel. Your enemies cannot destroy you. If you grow too weak, however, you will always be drawn here, to recover.  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Great… Maybe I WANT to be destroyed. Anything to be rid of Mikoto. Unless… If I can't be destroyed, is it possible to destroy Mikoto?  
  
EG: Doubtful.  
  
RAZIEL: Damn it to hell!  
  
Raziel begins his long hike back out of the underworld. After a few hours, he finally returns to the Abyss. Mikoto is still there waiting for him.  
  
MIKOTO: What took you so long, Raziel? Didn't you use the portal to get back here?  
  
RAZIEL: The what?  
  
MIKOTO: Y'know… the portal… the big t.v. thing? You could've used that to get back here.  
  
RAZIEL: No, I couldn't. The Elder God said I needed to activate other portals first, and I haven't come across any other portals yet.  
  
MIKOTO: You didn't activate the portal for the Abyss back there?  
  
RAZIEL: There's a portal over there?  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah…you mean to tell me you walked all the way back here?  
  
RAZIEL: (annoyed) Yes.  
  
MIKOTO: Haha! That must've sucked!  
  
RAZIEL: Yes, well, now I'm gonna kill you for that!  
  
MIKOTO: Well, before we 'battle to the death', maybe you should go activate that portal in case you end up in the abyss again.  
  
RAZIEL: I don't need the reassurance of the activated portal to kill you. You will be defeated. …But I'll be right back.  
  
MIKOTO: O-kay!  
  
Raziel quickly runs back and finally notices the curious looking door. He activates the portal inside and makes his way back to the abyss. When he gets there, Mikoto is long gone.  
  
RAZIEL: That coward actually ran away! Well, maybe I should continue onward. Now let's see… Though much of Nosgoth's landscape had changed, these cliffs gave me my bearings. My clan territory was to the west - I was anxious to see how my descendents had fared during the centuries of my absence.   
  
Raziel leaps across the cliffs and heads towards his clan lands.  
  
MEANWHILE, in the stronghold of the Razielim…  
  
RAZIELIM #1: Dude, that was some kickin' party last night!  
  
RAZIELIM #2: Man, I was so wasted! I don't even remember what happened!  
  
RAZIELIM #3: Heheh, you were about to go off with a couple of Turelim chicks when their men showed up and beat you unconscious!  
  
RAZIELIM#1: Yeah, it was the funniest thing ever!  
  
RAZIELIM#2: You guys just watched me get thrashed and didn't do anything?  
  
RAZIELIM#3: No, we tried to help…  
  
RAZIELIM#1: Yeah, but the Turelim wouldn't let us have a turn kicking your ass. (snicker)  
  
RAZIELIM#2: You guys suck!  
  
RAZIELIM#3: Hey, who is that blue-dude coming this way?  
  
RAZIELIM#2: He kind of looks like dad, only all like, decayed and blue and stuff…   
  
RAZIELIM#1: (panicked) He doesn't LOOK like him! He IS him! Shit! Kain was right! Dad DID come back!  
  
RAZIELIM#2: Ah, shit! Look at this place! It's a total dump! He's gonna know we've thrown a party!  
  
RAZIELIM#3: Yeah, a party every night since he was killed…  
  
RAZIELIM#2: Heh, remember that night he died? That was the best party of them all! We had almost every vampire in Nosgoth here!  
  
RAZIELIM#3: Yah, and that night when we all got smashed and convinced that human tribe to invade the Dumahim territory!  
  
RAZIELIM#2: Yeah! And they ACTUALLY succeeded in killing off Dumah? That was so cool! The Dumahim were so pissed! They nearly wiped out every human settlement after that!  
  
RAZIELIM#1: Guys! Guys! If dad sees that we've trashed the place, he's gonna kill us! We gotta hide!  
  
All the Razielim run off, leaving the stronghold nearly desolate. Only a few Dumahim remain in sight. They are either too stupid, or too hung over, to realize that all the Razielim have taken off. Raziel enters the court yard of the city. He finds his stronghold in complete ruin. He automatically assumes the worst.  
  
RAZIEL: Utter desolation. My once-proud kin, wiped from this world like excrement from a boot. I knew the hand that wrought this deed…  
  
Raziel strides toward the stronghold's gates. He stops by one of the ruined statues that were once sculpted to his likeness. He pulls down one of many strands of toilet paper that had been strewn all over the vandalized sculpture.  
  
RAZIEL: Hmm… Looks like someone threw a party here… Obviously, Kain must've seen fit to throw a victory celebration in my very own home after murdering off my children… That bastard! If he had left even one of my kin, then at least I'd have someone to clean this place up!  
  
Raziel storms off into this stronghold. He encounters a Dumahim.  
  
DUMAHIM#3: (sitting up) Oh, my head… I'm so hung over… Hey, who are you? I don't remember you at the party last night…  
  
RAZIEL: That's because I wasn't here…  
  
DUMAHIM#3: Oh, man! You missed it? That was one KILLER party!  
  
RAZIEL: (irate) I bet it was…  
  
DUMAHIM#3: Hey, what are you doing? AAUUGGGHHHH!!!  
  
Raziel pounces on the Dumahim. While he is busy slaughtering the vampire, a few of the Razielim peek at him from their hiding places.  
  
RAZIELIM#4: (whispering) Oh, God! He is SO pissed! I knew we shouldn't have let the guys throw all those parties!  
  
RAZIELIM#5: (whispers back) We are SO dead if he ever finds us!  
  
RAZIELIM#4: Shh! Quiet! Here he comes!  
  
Raziel strides past, heading towards the opposite end of the stronghold. Up ahead, a Razielim and a Dumahim fight over a hiding spot in a crack in the wall.  
  
DUMAHIM#4: This is MY hiding spot! I was here first!  
  
RAZIELIM#6: Tough luck, pal. You're in my home, so I get first dibs on this spot!  
  
DUMAHIM#4: C'mon! There's enough room in there for both of us!  
  
RAZIELIM#6: Yeah, well, you smell bad! You'll stink it up in here!  
  
DUMAHIM#4: No I won't!  
  
RAZIELIM#6: (points behind Dumahim) Hey look! It's Martha Stewart!  
  
DUMAHIM#4: Huh? Where?  
  
As the Dumahim turns around, the Razielim pushes him out of the hiding place and into the open, just as Raziel turns the corner. Immediately spotting the Dumahim, Raziel charges after him. The Dumahim sees him coming.  
  
DUMAHIM#4: Ah, crap.  
  
From inside the safety of her hiding spot, the Razielim can hear the sickening sound of metal tearing through flesh, followed by the horrible scream of the Dumahim.   
  
DUMAHIM#4: Oh God! It hurts! Oh! Please! Make it stop!  
  
A second later, thick, coagulating vampire blood violently sprays into the crack and spatters on the wall beside the Razielim's head. The sight and smell causes her to wretch. With the Dumahim disposed of, Raziel heads out of his former city. When they are certain he is gone, all the Razielim come out of hiding. They are all trembling with fear from the aftermath of Raziel's warpath of destruction.  
  
RAZIELIM#7: Wow, dad has totally changed… He's so violent and angry, all because we trashed the 'hold.  
  
RAZIELIM#8: Perhaps we should leave in case he comes back…  
  
RAZIELIM#7: Good idea. You saw how medieval he got on those Dumahim…  
  
RAZIELIM#9: Yeah, and their carcasses are littered all over the place now. I don't know about you, but I'M not cleaning this up…  
  
And so, having a newfound fear of their father, (and having no desire to spend a few decades mopping the blood up off the floors), the Razielim pack up their bags and beer kegs and head off to new lands where they can party carefree for the rest of eternity. And thus, they lived happily ever after. THE END.  
  
RAZIEL: Wait! That isn't the end of the story!  
  
MIKOTO: It's not? (disappointed) Oh, yeah, it's not… So much for the 'happy ending'…  
  
Okay, so the Razielim didn't quite live happily ever after. They traveled to new lands, where they came across the town of Sobriety. In this town, alcohol didn't exist, and the vampires had been suffering severe withdrawal--  
  
RAZIEL: That's not what I meant!  
  
MIKOTO: What's not what you meant?  
  
RAZIEL: MY story! MY story isn't complete yet!  
  
MIKOTO: Oh… I see…  
  
RAZIEL: Well?  
  
MIKOTO: Well what?  
  
RAZIEL: Well, aren't you gonna continue my story?  
  
MIKOTO: Eventually.  
  
RAZIEL: What do you mean, 'eventually'?  
  
MIKOTO: This chapter is over. The story will continue next time…  
  
RAZIEL: Damn you!  
  
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The entire Razielim Stronghold scene ended up way longer than I had intended… And Raziel ended up being a tad on the violent side… Perhaps I should lay off him a bit? Hmm… Naw, I don't think so… Hehehe…  
  
So anyway, my reviews finally showed up five days after you guys posted them! I'm glad you all are enjoying this so far! *hugs everyone* 


	5. Melchiah

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Five: Melchiah  
  
As Raziel departs his clan territory, he encounters two beasts attacking a human.  
  
HUMAN#2: No! Please don't kill me! I sent my tax money in the mail! I swear!  
  
(AN: Yes, this is human #2. Human #1 was the black jack dealer, remember?)  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: (advancing on the human) Yes, but now we're here to collect the interest!  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: No one cheats the Vampire Revenue Service and gets away with it!  
  
HUMAN#2: (cornered by the Melchiahim) But I didn't chea--  
  
Suddenly, the human clutches his chest and falls over.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well, that was quite unexpected. Is he dead?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: (poking human #2 with a stick) Deader than a doornail.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Well… What should we do now?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: I donno… We could eat his corpse or something…  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Are you sure? I mean, I think we can still revive him.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: We could… But I'm gonna stick with eating him. I think the human would have wanted it that way.  
  
MELCHIAH#1: Okay. If you say so…  
  
The two vampires begin to feast on the human, unaware they are being watched.  
  
RAZIEL: I didn't recognize these flayed wracks of flesh. Their scent was vampiric, but they gnawed upon their victim's carcass like dogs.  
  
Raziel leaps downward towards the vampires. As he descends upon the Melchiahim, he catches and releases his wings repeatedly, creating the sound of giant wings flapping in the air.  
  
RAZIEL: Look at me! I'm a giant, evil bat demon, coming to destroy you! MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
The Melchiahim look up into the sky at Raziel.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: What the crap is that thing?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: I don't know… Did it just say something to us?  
  
Raziel lands.  
  
RAZIEL: Hi, um… You're a couple of vampires, right?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: No, we're cannibalistic humans who have watched way too many Hannibal Lector movies.   
  
RAZIEL: Okay, never mind. My mistake. (starts to walk away)  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: (rolls his eyes) Duh, of course we're vampires…  
  
RAZIEL: Oh. Well then, in that case, I'll have to kill you, but could you help me out before I do?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Sure, but what's in it for us? You ARE gonna kill us, after all.  
  
RAZIEL: Uh… I'll let you try to defend yourselves? ^-^;  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Melchiahim#2) I donno… What do you think?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: Hmm… Sounds pretty tempting… I don't think we should pass up this opportunity…  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: (to Raz) Okay, it's a deal, but only on one more condition.  
  
RAZIEL: What's that?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: We get to burrow through the ground beneath your feet and try to surprise you, which is pointless because you know where we are anyway.  
  
RAZIEL: Okay…  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: So is it a deal?  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, yeah. Sure…  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: So, what did you need?  
  
RAZIEL: Well… I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of lost… I'm trying to find Melchiah, and I don't know which way to go. I haven't been around these parts in ages, and it's my OWN freakin' backyard for Pete's sake!  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Oh, you're lookin' for our father? Well, you can find him just over that way, beyond the graveyard over there. He should be pretty easy to find.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: Wait! This is your backyard? Does that mean that you own the Razielim territory?  
  
RAZIEL: (curious) Yeah, why?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: So YOU were the one who threw that awesome party last night?  
  
RAZIEL: (growing angry) You attended the 'celebration' as well?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Tch. Who didn't?  
  
Raziel glares hatefully at the Melchiahim as he advances towards them. They are immediately aware of his irate approach.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: What'd I say?  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: I think this is the part where he's gonna kill us now…  
  
MELCHIAHIM#1: Bummer…  
  
The two vampires immediately burrow into the ground, as Raziel promised they could do. Raziel is fully aware of their movements the entire time. Taking up a nearby rock, he waits patiently. Eventually, Melchiahim#2 pokes his head up from beneath the ground.  
  
MELCHIAHIM#2: Peek-a-boo!  
  
WHACK! Raziel smashes the rock over the vamps head and he is driven back into the ground. Suddenly, the other vamp raises his head from the ground. WHAM! Raziel pummels him in the head with the rock. Without warning, Mikoto appears.  
  
MIKOTO: Cool! It's Whack-a-Mole… No, wait! Whack-a-Mel!  
  
For no reason at all, Turel appears.  
  
TUREL: I have an even better game… Whack-Ture--  
  
SMASH! Mikoto cuts off Turel's perverted suggestion by pummeling him into the ground with the oversized hammer that has magically appeared in her hand. Turel is flattened like a vamp-cake.  
  
MIKOTO: Damn pervert! He's no longer gonna be in this story!  
  
Turel's flattened and prone body mysteriously vanishes. Meanwhile, Raziel has vanquished the Melchiahim and is off on his merry way.  
  
RAZIEL: Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to reave I go!  
  
Unexpectedly, he is shot through the chest with a bolt.  
  
RAZIEL: Ow…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Woah! Dude, are you okay! My crossbow totally misfired! How are you not dead from that, man?  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastically) Did you not notice? I'm a walking corpse!  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah, I did notice you looked a little pale…  
  
RAZIEL: Moron… I'd kill you for your stupidity, but I have a vampire lieutenant to kill…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: You're a vampire hunter too? Cool! I'm gonna tell all my buddies that you've come to help! Wow! This is gonna be so cool! We can hang out and kill vampires together! It'll be great!  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, whatever. Look, I gotta go.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Oh, well, can I come with you? I can help, you know!  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, no. You're kind of freakin' me out. Why don't you just stay here and um… guard this abandoned cemetery…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Hey! That's a great idea! I'll just wait right here for you to come back, okay?  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, sure…  
  
Raziel proceeds to the cemetery where he sees an image of the youngest of Kain's lieutenants.  
  
RAZIEL: My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained many of it's previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay.  
  
Raziel makes his way into the Necropolis. I won't bore you with the details, but he kills lots of icky Melchiahim in not-so-nice ways. He gets to a barred gate, and cannot go any further. Raz tries to push it open, but it does not budge.  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell? Stupid gate! Don't tell me I came all this way for nothing!  
  
EG: Raziel?  
  
RAZIEL: (irritated) What?  
  
EG: Did you forget something?  
  
RAZIEL: I don't think so-- Wait! Did I leave the oven on again? (starts to run in a panic)  
  
EG: (sigh) No, Raziel, you didn't leave the oven on. You don't even own an oven.  
  
RAZIEL: (surprised) Oh, I don't? Then what am I forgetting? Oh no! I forgot to feed Mewcifer!  
  
EG: Who's Mewcifer?  
  
RAZIEL: My little wraith kitty… ^_^  
  
EG: When did you get a wraith kitty?  
  
RAZIEL: Between chapters three and four while I was in physical therapy. Oh, I hope she doesn't go hungry. Maybe she can hunt down some little mouse souls. Wait, do you know if mice even have souls, EG?  
  
EG: (annoyed) I don't know, Raziel. Why don't you shift to the spectral realm and find out. And while you're there, maybe you can also find time to continue your quest…  
  
RAZIEL: Hey! Good idea!  
  
Raziel shifts planes.  
  
RAZIEL: (looking around) I don't see any mouse souls around here. Hey! Where'd that ledge come from? Oh, wait! I get it! You wanted me to switch to spectral realm so I could climb up that ledge!  
  
EG: (patronizing) Very good, Raziel!  
  
RAZIEL: The mouse souls are up there, aren't they!  
  
EG: (to himself) Why do I even bother?  
  
Raziel jumps up and scrambles over the first ledge. A spectral being floats down beside him.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, hello there! You haven't seen any mouse souls around here, have you?  
  
EG: Beware, Raziel. These wraiths are vampire spirits, fettered too long in the spectral realm. When their vampire natures adapt to this plane, they become eaters of souls. Do not allow these spirits to reinhabit their corpses…  
  
RAZIEL: What? You mean other vampires have become devourers of souls, like myself? Well, how the hell is it that I am so unique that I'm the one who has to do your dirty work for you? Couldn't you have just hired one of these goons to kill off Kain?  
  
EG: Whoops, gotta go….  
  
RAZIEL: (to wraith) Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, pal. So…eh… What brings you to this part of the spectral realm?  
  
WRAITH: …  
  
RAZIEL: What? Don't like to talk, huh?  
  
WRAITH: …  
  
RAZIEL: Well, you don't have to be so rude about it…  
  
The wraith suddenly begins to inhale Raziel's energy.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, what the-! Knock it off, ass wipe! That feels funny!  
  
Raziel smacks the wraith in the head repeatedly. It screeches in pain as it looses energy from the blows. It tries to flee, but Raz has other plans in mind.  
  
RAZIEL: You wuss! You can't run away from me! Let's see how you like it!  
  
Raz devours the wraith's soul.  
  
RAZIEL: BURP! Augh, that's gonna give me some wicked heartburn…  
  
Raziel moves on. After switching realms a few times and moving some blocks around, he comes to a big, open room. At the far end of the room, he rides the lift down to a lower level. He encounters another human.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Hey! It's you! V.H.A. told me about you! You're that walking dead guy who's here to kill the vampires!  
  
RAZIEL: That guy got here before me? How the hell did he do that? Was there some sort of short cut that nobody told me about? Oh, I'm gonna be so pissed if I found out I did all that shifting and block moving for nothing…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (drops to his knees) Oh, please don't be angry Mr. Walking-Corpse-Man! I didn't mean to make you upset! If there's anything I can do for you, just name it! I'll do anything! I swear!  
  
RAZIEL: You annoy me. How about you do me a favor and feed yourself to that Melchiahim down there.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: (worried) Hehe… You're kidding, right?  
  
Raziel looks at him sternly.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: You're serious? But really, you don't mean it right?  
  
RAZIEL: You said you'd do ANYTHING…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER B: Ah, damn…  
  
V.H.B. drops his crossbow on the ground and descends the ramp. Raziel continues onward to the gear shift room. As he enters the room, he hears the blood curdling scream reverberate from V.H.B.'s throat.  
  
RAZIEL: Hehehe…That'll teach him…  
  
Raziel activates the gear and then returns to the lift, riding it back up to the upper floor. He is in the middle of solving the next block puzzle, involving the flaming urns, when he makes a discovery. Fire cannot hurt him.  
  
RAZIEL: Really? Neat!  
  
Raziel climbs into one of the urns. He is engulfed in flame, yet he feels no pain, nor does his flesh burn.  
  
RAZIEL: Woah! I'm like Jesus!  
  
MIKOTO: Dude! You can't say that!  
  
RAZIEL: Why not? The Beatles did…  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, and look at all the controversy THAT created…  
  
RAZIEL: But I AM like Jesus!  
  
MIKOTO: I fail to see how…  
  
RAZIEL: Well, he could walk on water without drowning… I can walk through fire without burning.  
  
MIKOTO: That's not the same thing...  
  
RAZIEL: Well, he died and was resurrected.  
  
MIKOTO: So?  
  
RAZIEL: I died and was resurrected. Twice actually! I guess that makes me TWICE the man Jesus was-  
  
Raziel is suddenly impaled through the eye socket with a harpoon.  
  
RAZIEL: OW! What was that for!  
  
MIKOTO: YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! Do you WANT to piss someone off and get this story banned?  
  
RAZIEL: Maybe. If it means my suffering will end…  
  
MIKOTO: Well, it won't.  
  
RAZIEL: Rats…  
  
Mikoto then pulls out one of those memory eraser devices used in the MIB movies. She erases the previous page from everyone's memory so that she doesn't get sued, banned, or hung for Raziel's blasphemy. Said vampire wraith finishes solving the puzzle and makes his way into Melchiah's chamber. Once he enters, bloodied spikes block the entrance, preventing his escape. Something in the shadows moves, alerting Raziel to its presence.  
  
RAZIEL: Show yourself, creature!  
  
Mikoto emerges from the darkness.  
  
MIKOTO: It's just me.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, dear lord! It's hideous!  
  
MIKOTO: Haw haw haw… Very funny.  
  
Suddenly, something larger emerges from the shadows.  
  
MELCHIAH: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?  
  
RAZIEL: My god! Dumah! Is that really you?  
  
MELCHIAH: Don't insult me.  
  
RAZIEL: Uh… Turel?  
  
MIKOTO: No! He got banned from this story, remember?  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, yeah… Melchiah?  
  
MELCHIAH: Yesss, brother. You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.  
  
RAZIEL: Yes. I already wish I had stayed at the bottom of the Abyss… Unfortunately some bastard who shall remain nameless… *cough* Elder God *cough* …has forced me from my grave and into this asinine quest!  
  
MELCHIAH: Wow! That sounds worse than the fate that has been bestowed upon me…  
  
RAZIEL: Yes. And what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.  
  
Melchiah ponders a moment, and remembers that the Razielim had fled in fear.  
  
MELCHIAH: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so…unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you think for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?  
  
RAZIEL: Enough riddles - what are you saying?! Seriously… I haven't a clue what you are saying…  
  
MELCHIAH: You are the last… to die…  
  
RAZIEL: (confused) Really? That's what that speech meant? I thought you were saying that the true meaning to all existence is… Well, I won't bore you with philosophical details. I think there's enough of that in the LoK series as it is…  
  
The fight between Melchiah and Raziel begins. Although Mel is very slow and sluggish, he makes up for his lack of agility with being unaffected by Raziel's blows.  
  
MELCHIAH: Heehee…That tickles! ^_^  
  
RAZIEL: He's big and ugly and scary and I can't hurt him! (muttering to himself) Maybe if I shift, I can run and hide from him! Heh heh heh.  
  
Raziel shifts realms.  
  
MELCHIAH: Boo.  
  
RAZIEL: AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! He can shift too! That's not fair!  
  
Raziel soon figures out that he must lure Mel under the spiked gates at either side of the main chamber.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, what do you know? If I lure Mel under the spike gates at either side of the main chamber, I can hurt him…   
  
Raz raises the first of the two gates.  
  
RAZIEL: (whistles) Here boy! C'mon Melchiah!  
  
MELCHIAH: (excited) I'm comin'! I'm comin'! (AN: No icky ideas you sick perverts!)  
  
Melchiah approaches Raziel, slowly but surely. He gets below the gate and Raz drops it on him.  
  
MELCHIAH: Owies!  
  
Melchiah busts the gate escaping from it. Mikoto parades around the chamber with a giant sign that reads "ROUND 2". Raziel raises the second spiked gate.  
  
MELCHIAH: I'm not stupid. I'm not falling for that again.  
  
RAZIEL: But I've got Smelly Melly Snacks! Fresh decayed human flesh just for you!  
  
MELCHIAH: Oh boy! Oh boy!  
  
Mel crawls under the gate and Raz drops it on his head.  
  
MELCHIAH: DAMN IT!  
  
Mel destroys this gate as well.   
  
RAZIEL: Both the gates are broken. Now what do I do?  
  
MELCHIAH: (stumped) Hmm… I don't know…  
  
MIKOTO: Well, there IS that giant meat grinder thing hanging from the ceiling…  
  
RAZIEL: That's kind of a gruesome death though, don't'cha think?  
  
MELCHIAH: Yeah. I never actually used it to kill anyone. It's there more for decoration than anything else really. But, hey, we could give it a try…  
  
Melchiah shifts through the bars and crawls directly under the grinder. Raziel approaches the lever that controls the barbaric device.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, yes, one more thing… Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?  
  
MELCHIAH: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when He sees fit - not when commanded.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, fish sticks… Oh well. It was nice knowing you, Mel.  
  
Raz pulls the lever and the meat grinder lowers on Mel, crushing him to a bloodied pulp.  
  
MELCHIAH: I am released…  
  
RAZIEL: Poor guy… He always was my favorite brother…  
  
Suddenly, Raziel's body levitates into the air and Mel's souls is drawn into his body. Raziel seems to writhe in pain, until he collapses to the ground.  
  
RAZIEL: What the crap was that? It felt like I was being beat repeatedly with a garden hoe!  
  
Mikoto hides behind her back the garden hoe she was using to beat Raziel with while he was suspended in the air.  
  
EG: Hey, look! I have another line! It's about damn time I got another line in this story. It's been what… five pages since I've had a line?  
  
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and say your damn line already!  
  
EG: Oh! Ahem… You have done well, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: Am I reduced to this? A goul? A fratricide?   
  
MIKOTO: (holding up a dictionary) Fratricide: one that kills a sibling or countryman… Cool!  
  
Mikoto walks off with a devious look in her eye…  
  
EG: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has bestowed you with a new gift.  
  
RAZIEL: (trying to force himself to throw up) I actually swallowed his soul! Nasty! Did you see the amount of decay on him! He was swarming with disease!  
  
EG: (referring to the barred gate) Insubstantial barriers such as these are no impediment to you in the spectral realm. Will yourself to pass through, and you shall.  
  
Raziel follows the EG's instruction. Eventually he makes his way out of the Necropolis.  
  
EG: With Melchiah's gift, your way is opened. Return to the seat of Kain's ill-omened empire - its sterile silence has secrets yet to unveil.  
  
RAZIEL: Back to the Sanctuary then, eh? (shudder) Oh, I hope that Kain doesn't still have that Gameboy…  
  
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Whew… What a long chapter! 12 pages! No wonder it took me almost 2 weeks to update! I was planning on doing a review response this chapter, but I think since this one was so long, I'll save it for next chapter. Well, thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated! : p  
  
Ah, yes. One last thing. Apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes or whatever. Since this took so long to write, and since it's quite late right now, I'm not gonna look it over again for any mistakes. ^_^;; I can't bear to make my fans wait any longer!! 


	6. Raziel Returns to the Sanctuary

A Bloody…Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Six: Raziel Returns to the Sanctuary…  
  
…With bonus material! That's right folks! As promised, I present thee with yon long awaited review responses! Y'know…that last sentence sounds kind of weird, so I'll stop talking like that and spare you all from going deaf…or blind, whatever…from my horrible old English "accent".  
  
Anywho, I think I'm gonna do review responses a little differently than normal. I'm gonna make the responses part of the chapter! Pretty cool, huh? Now, onwards with the story!  
  
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After defeating Melchiah, exiting the Necropolis, and receiving the next instruction from the Elder God, Raziel makes his way back towards the Sanctuary. Unfortunately, this meant he had to face Vampire Hunter A once again.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, shit. Not this guy again. How am I gonna get past him?  
  
MORTALSORA: Heehee. I love how dumb these vampire hunters are. Maybe if you don't move, he won't see you. Y'know…like a T-Rex.  
  
RAZIEL: You really think that'll work?  
  
MORTALSORA: Sure! (giggle)  
  
Raziel sneaks around V.H.A. When he turns in Raziel's direction, Raz instantly freezes. V.H.A. looks past Raz as if he weren't there.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, it worked!  
  
V.H.A. immediately snaps his attention to Raz, who dimwittedly gave away his position.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Dude! It's you! So, how'd it go?  
  
RAZIEL: (nervous) Uh… Okay, I guess…  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: So where are you off to now?  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, nowhere in particular. Why?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNGER A: Can I come with you know?  
  
RAZIEL: I'll think about it. *cough* not *cough* Ahem. Uh, tell me. You told all your buddies about me?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (with pride) Uh huh! Every human on Nosgoth now knows you're good and they won't be tryin' to kill ya! Now I'm free to help you kill all the vampires you want, since you won't be needin' me to spread good word about you anymore!  
  
RAZIEL: (devious) Really?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: Yeah! So can I come with you now?  
  
RAZIEL: (mischievously) Sure… I can't let a helpful SOUL go to waste. Now, can I?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER A: (worried) Uh, no. I guess not. Hey, what are you doing? AAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
MORTALSORA: *giggle* Silly vampire hunter…  
  
MIKOTO: (to MortalSora) Nope. Them vampire hunters aren't too bright.   
  
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: And thanks for thinking I'm cool. No one else thinks I'm cool… :*(  
  
RAZIEL: (pounds stomach) Hey, shut up in there!  
  
MELCHIAH'S SOUL: Oof! Sorry.  
  
Raziel continues back towards the Sanctuary. He crosses back through his former clan lands. He pauses when he notices something is amiss.  
  
RAZIEL: Something seems different here. As if there was somebody here right after I left…  
  
Standing in the middle of the courtyard is Angel-chan2 with a giant sign that says "All the Razielim went that-a-way!" with an arrow pointing to the left.  
  
RAZIEL: "All the Razielim went…" Wait! Is this a trick?  
  
ANGEL-CHAN2: No. They really went that way.  
  
RAZIEL: I don't believe you. Did Kain send you? He sent you, didn't he?  
  
ANGEL-CHAN2: No! I swear! Look! They're right over there!  
  
Twenty feet away is a group of Razielim. Razielim #2 is engaged in a conversation with Komikitty.  
  
RAZIELIM#2: …and then he was all like, "Dude! I'm so gonna kick his ass!" And I was all like, "Dude, you should totally kick his ass!"  
  
KOMIKITTY: Dude, no way!  
  
RAZIELIM#2: Way, man! Way!  
  
Raziel turns his attention to another cluster of Razielim. Razielim #7 is having a more "intellectual" conversation with Dark-Sephiroth.  
  
RAZIELIM #7: So you see, if a vampire drinks the blood from a couple of really wasted humans, then said vampire can get totally pissed drunk without having to deal with the side effects of flesh-burning water.  
  
DARK-SEPHIROTH: I see. But you guys are still drinking straight beer. Why aren't you diluting it in blood, and more importantly, why isn't it burning you?  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, I just let them drink beer straight to limit the number of humans in the story. Otherwise, I think I'd be at Human # 84918746 by now, especially with the way these guys party…  
  
DARK-SEPHIROTH: That makes sense…  
  
Raziel turns back to Angel-chan2. He is having doubts about her claim concerning the Razielim.  
  
RAZIEL: Those delinquents are Razielim? LIES I say! LIES! You're just trying to stall me from vanquishing Kain! I'm on to you and your tricksie little plot!  
  
Raziel walks away.  
  
ANGEL-CHAN2: But…  
  
MIKOTO: Sorry Angel-chan, but I think we should just let Raz continue believing what he wants.  
  
KOMIKITTY: Mikoto, this guy reminds me of one of my friends! It's scary!  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, yeah. That's cuz he IS one of your friends turned Razielim… And be afraid. Be very afraid… Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel returns to the cliffs of the abyss. He sees Abbil sitting on one of the cliffs, laughing hysterically. He approaches with caution.  
  
RAZIEL: Um… Can I help you?  
  
ABBIL: *giggle*  
  
RAZIEL: Are you okay?  
  
ABBIL: *chuckle* Can't. *giggle* Stop. *twitch* Laughing. *snicker*  
  
MIKOTO: Hahaha! Yet another person who finds it hilarious when I torture you, Raz!  
  
RAZIEL: Elder God damn it to hell… (storms off)  
  
MIKOTO: Hehehe… Here, Abbil. Have some more coffee and never stop laughing! ;)  
  
ABBIL: My. *giggle* Stomach. *chuckle* Hurts.  
  
Raziel finally makes it to the Sanctuary. However, he is stopped by a human wearing a badge that says "Plot Hole Inspector". He seems to be searching the cliff walls for something.  
  
RAZIEL: What are you doing?  
  
OMEGAXSABRE: Inspecting.  
  
RAZIEL: For what?  
  
OMEGAXSABRE: Plot holes.  
  
RAZIEL: Plot holes?  
  
OMEGAXSABRE: Yes. Plot holes.  
  
MIKOTO: Raz! Keep him distracted while I hide these.  
  
RAZIEL: What are they?  
  
MIKOTO: Nothing!  
  
Mikoto runs away carrying an armful of LoK plot holes.  
  
RAZIEL: Hey, um, Mikoto just ran off with those plot holes you're looking for…  
  
OMEGAXSABRE: She did? Get back here, you!  
  
MIKOTO: NEVER! There ARE no plot holes in the LoK series! BAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
OmegaXSabre runs off after Mikoto.  
  
RAZIEL: Whatever…  
  
Raziel shifts to spectral and phases through the bars. He encounters a woman who seems to have found a way into the spectral realm.  
  
SEEDYDEEDEE: Long time no see! *snicker*  
  
RAZIEL: Do I know you? I'm getting this strange sense of déjà vu.  
  
SEEDYDEEDEE: Does yellow custard ring a bell?  
  
RAZIEL: Yellow custard… I'm not sure why, but the thought gives me a bad feeling… Wait. How did YOU get in the spectral realm? I thought only Mikoto could do that because she is the authoress…  
  
SEEDYDEEDEE: Well, you see… I was playing the "spectra-material-spectral" game!  
  
RAZIEL: It IS a fun game! Isn't it? ^_^  
  
SEEDYDEEDEE: It sure is! (shifts to material)  
  
RAZIEL: What a nice girl… I wonder what it was with the yellow custard… Ah well.  
  
Raziel moves onward. He enters a large room. A long, narrow bridge stretches across the length of the room. There is a door at the far end of the room. Raziel crosses the bridge and tries to open the door.  
  
AQUASWORD: (imitating EG's voice) Your efforts are futile, Raziel - such objects are but shadows in the spirit world.  
  
EG: (crying) Line thief! Line thief!  
  
RAZIEL: Wait a minute. (to EG) If you didn't say that, then who did?  
  
AQUASWORD: (with pride) Me!  
  
RAZIEL: How do you know I can't move this door in spectral? I can do it just fine!  
  
Raziel tries desperately to open the door, but the door will not budge. Raz refuses to give up. A year passes and Raziel still has not opened the door.  
  
AQUASWORD: Damn. This is pathetic. It only took me two days to figure this out…  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up!  
  
Raziel spots a conduit in front of the bridge. He shifts to the physical realm. Once there, he sees two Dumahim standing on the bridge with their backs to him.  
  
RAZIEL: This will be easy pickings…  
  
Raz picks up a vase and sneaks up behind the unsuspecting Dumahim.  
  
DUMAHIM #5: Hit me!  
  
RAZIEL: Don't mind if I do!  
  
Raziel smashes Dumahim #5 over the head with the vase. The vampire stumbles over and falls into the water below.  
  
TRELALA: What the crap, man! He was about to bust!  
  
Raziel looks between Trelala, Dumahim #6, and the Black Jack game on the table between them.  
  
TRELALA: Now I'm gonna have to find a replacement dumbass--I mean, Dumahim. Y'know, Dumahim aren't easy to come by these days. It's not like there are thousands of them just lying around, like Razielim.  
  
RAZIEL: Haw haw. Very funny. But we all know, as scarce as the Dumahim may be, there are lots more Dumahim still alive than there are Razielim. Last I checked, there were ZERO Razielim left alive…  
  
TRELALA: Yeah, whatever pal. Just let us finish our game.  
  
RAZIEL: Fine, I will! Jeez, it's not like I'm trying to save the world or anything, here.  
  
Raziel moves on, opening the door he could not budge while in spectral. Once on the other side, he must annoyingly shift BACK to spectral in order to pass through the gates on his way to the pillar room. He encounters a woman who appears to have wolfish features.  
  
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Hey Razzy, look! I got my own wraith kitty now! Isn't she just adorable!  
  
Raziel walks over to VA and looks at the kitty she is cuddling. Raziel realizes that VA's kitty is cuter than Mewcifer and becomes instantly jealous. But he refuses to admit that.  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, I guess she looks okay.  
  
VLADIMIR'SANGEL: Okay? What do you mean just 'okay'? She's the cutest wraith kitty on all of Nosgoth, and I made certain of that! I went to every spectral pet store and found the most purrfect kitty!  
  
RAZIEL: Okay fine. She is cute. But mine is more vicious. Mewcifer acts like she wants attention, and as soon as you pick her up, she bites and claws and scratches. Why else do you think I have no eyes?  
  
Raziel shifts to the material realm. He then enters the pillar room.  
  
VOICE: Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: Kain! Wait, you're not Kain!  
  
MIKOTO: Concept, what are you doing here? And where is Kain?  
  
Concept Of A Demon rises from Kain's throne.  
  
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: Kain is my bitch now. I told him to go out and kill some religious fanatics, otherwise I would give him another acid bath.  
  
Kain suddenly enters. He has numerous cuts and bruises and it appears he even has a few crosses imbedded in his flesh.  
  
CONCEPT OF A DEMON: What the hell happened? I told you to bring me back their heads!  
  
KAIN: (in tears) I don't know! I was about to slay them all, but my Pikachu wouldn't come out of my Pokeball! (raises toy Pokeball in the air) Why, Pikachu? Why? Why do you turn your back on me?  
  
RAZIEL: (smacks his forehead) What a frickin' idiot.  
  
Kain finally notices Raziel's presence.  
  
KAIN: Raziel. You return at last.  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah, Kain. I've been kind of waiting for you to show up.  
  
KAIN: The abyss has been unkind. I knew we shouldn't have dumped those toxic chemicals down there…  
  
RAZIEL: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, degenerate? You have no right--  
  
The rest of Raziel's sentence is lost on Kain, for his long hours of Pokemon have given him the attention span of a squirrel on crack. Kain has long since begun to daydream, thinking back to the previous night at the Razielim stronghold.  
  
~~~~~~FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~  
  
Kain is in a hot tub (don't ask me how) with two hot Razielim chicks.  
  
KAIN: Yeah, it's not easy being the most powerful being on all of Nosgoth.  
  
RAZIELIM #10: Oh, you poor thing!  
  
RAZIELIM #11: Here, let me give you a back rub.  
  
KAIN: Thanks, babe. Anyway, as I was saying. It's very difficult to keep such strength under control. I have to be careful, lest I get carried away. I wouldn't want to hurt beauties such as yourselves. What I have made, I can also destroy, child.  
  
RAZIEL'S VOICE: Damn you, Kain!  
  
~~~~~~END FLASHBACK!!!~~~~~~  
  
KAIN: Huh? Wha? Ah, shit.  
  
Kain realizes that he had been day dreaming. Carried away with his memory, Kain had accidentally spoke that last sentence aloud. Raziel obviously interpreted it the wrong way.  
  
RAZIEL: You are not God! This act of genocide is unconscionable!  
  
KAIN: Conscious…? You dare speak to me of conscious? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgment! (to himself) I don't care if they were technically my grandchildren… Those two chicks were hot, after all.  
  
RAZIEL: What the deuce? I don't want to hear about your incestuous behavior, Kain. Just what are you getting at?  
  
KAIN: Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first turned me from the light… To know that the fate of the world hangs dependent on the advisedness of my every deed -- can you even begin to conceive what action you would take, in my position?  
  
RAZIEL: *yawn* I guess I would chose integrity, Kain.  
  
KAIN: Look around you, Raziel -- see what becomes of our empire.  
  
Raziel takes a good look around him. The pillars are in worse shape than he last time he saw them. Construction equipment had been parked behind the pillars. A large sign next to Kain's throne read "Pillars of Nosgoth -- Closed Indefinitely".  
  
RAZIEL: What's going on here?  
  
KAIN: Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth… They are in fear of what's to come. The pillars shall soon be no more… They shall be torn down to make way for the new Disneyland in Nosgoth Theme Park. Ah well. This place has outlasted its usefulness -- as have you.  
  
Kain reaches for the Soul Reaver, but it is not its sheath.  
  
KAIN: Now where the hell did I put that blasted thing?  
  
Kinsue enters the room with the Soul Reaver in his hands. He strikes a dramatic pose, wielding the blade high over his head.  
  
KINSUE: I hath returned from mine noble quest and present ye with yon rarest treasure of all the land: The Mesamune!  
  
KAIN: Hey, neat! That looks a lot like a sword I used to have! But mine was called the Soul Reaver.  
  
RAZIEL: Kain, that "Mesamune" IS the Soul Reaver…  
  
KAIN: It is? (to Kinsue) Give it back!  
  
Kain grabs the Soul Reaver from Kinsue.   
  
KINSUE: Onward to mine next quest! The search for yon Ultima Weapon!  
  
Kinsue boards a train and heads off. With a menacing gleam in his eye, Kain turns towards Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: The Soul Reaver, Kain's ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. The legends claimed that the blade was possessed, and thrived by devouring the souls of its victims. Hmm… I, too, thrive by devouring the souls of my victims. What a coincidence! For all our bravado, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were dead.  
  
Raziel and Kain begin their first battle. Kain charges telekinetic energy and focuses it within the blade. Raziel looks at him funny.  
  
RAZIEL: What are you doing? Aren't you going to try to attack me?  
  
Kain answers Raziel's inquiry with a bolt of energy directed towards him. Raziel immediately spots the oncoming attack.  
  
RAZIEL: Aw, crap.  
  
Raziel is hit full force by the blast, being electrocuted into the spectral realm. He hears Kain's victory cry as he shifts.  
  
KAIN: Yay asparagus! I mean, Vae Victus!  
  
RAZIEL: That retard! Can't even get his victory call right…  
  
Raziel heads towards the plane portal when an odd character runs in front of him.  
  
NINWHORE: Get back here, you stupid sluagh!  
  
RAZIEL: What are you trying to do?  
  
NINWHORE: Trying to put these pants on that sluagh.  
  
Raziel drops to his knees and kisses NINWhore's feet.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, thank you, thank you so much for putting clothes on those hideous beasts! I could not stand to see their nasty asses a moment longer!  
  
NINWHORE: You're welcome! (sees the sluagh is escaping) Hey! Where do you think you're going? (runs after sluagh)  
  
After NINWhore runs off, Raziel shifts back to the material plane. He looks around and does not see Kain.  
  
RAZIEL: Now where the hell did he go?  
  
Raziel looks around, making his way towards the pillars. He hears a muffled shriek from behind Kain's throne. Heading around the pillars, he sees Kain has assembled all the lady reviewers. He has forced them into playing his version of Spin the Bottle, using the Soul Reaver as the bottle, and instead of kissing the one the blade points to, he feeds from them. Raziel is immediately irritated. He smacks Kain in the back of the head.  
  
KAIN: OW! What was that for?  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell are you doing? We're supposed to be battling to the death!  
  
KAIN: Oh yeah. Sorry ladies, but our game must be delayed.  
  
Kain teleports away. With Kain's disappearance, the ladies' faces change to a look of relief. Raziel returns to the front of the pillars. Kain suddenly turns towards him.  
  
KAIN: Red light!  
  
RAZIEL: Huh? What are you talking about? (steps toward Kain)  
  
KAIN: Ha! You moved!  
  
Kain blasts Raziel with another telekinetic bolt. Raziel is shunted to the spirit world again.  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell was that about?  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, I think Kain is playing "Red Light, Green Light".  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell is that?  
  
MIKOTO: When he turns away and says "green light" you can move towards him, but when he faces you and says "red light" you have to freeze or else he'll zap you back to the spirit realm.  
  
RAZIEL: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! He's a fucking 2000-year-old child!  
  
Raziel returns to the material plane. Kain has his back to him and Raziel runs toward him.  
  
KAIN: Red light! (Raz stops)  
  
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs at him again)  
  
KAIN: Red light! (again Raz freezes)  
  
KAIN: Green light! (Raz runs again)  
  
RAZIEL: This is the stupidest thing he's ever made me do! To hell with this! I'm close enough to smack him now!  
  
KAIN: Red light!  
  
Raziel refuses to freeze this time and continues towards Kain.  
  
KAIN: I said 'red light'!  
  
Kain charges up telekinetic energy. But Raziel is quicker and punches Kain in the face.  
  
RAZIEL: Grow up you numbskull!  
  
KAIN: That hurt! I'll teach you!  
  
Kain teleports to the opposite side of the room. Raz realizes he is too far away to reach him before he fires off another telekinetic blast. Thinking fast, he spots a stone column to his right.  
  
RAZIEL: Hehehe… I'm so smart. I'll just hide behind this column until Kain fires that blast and then I'll go after him.  
  
Raziel waits patiently behind the stone. Kain shoots the energy at Raz. To Raziel's dismay, he is struck by the bolt despite his 'clever' tactics. He ends up in the spirit world again.  
  
RAZIEL: That bolt went right through that fucking pillar? What the crap! That's just not cricket!  
  
Upon returning (yet again) to the physical world, Raziel immediately spots Kain. However, said vampire ruler has (again) forgotten about the epic battle at hand. He has returned to his Gameboy.  
  
RAZIEL: Not that damn contraption again!  
  
Raziel quickly runs up to Kain, smacking him a few times while uttering a few curse words. With Raziel's final strike, the Gameboy is knocked out of Kain's grasp and goes flying into a pillar, where it smashes into many pieces. Kain wears a look of complete horror on his face. It quickly turns to extreme anger.   
  
Raziel backs down, realizing he has gone too far. Kain advances on him with the Soul Reaver drawn once again. Raz trips and falls, now completely at Kain's mercy. The vampire raises the blade into the air and brings it down upon Raziel's back. Upon contact with Raziel, the blade is broken into pieces.  
  
KAIN: This sucks. The blade is vanquished. Just like my Gameboy. So it unfolds… and we are a step closer to our destinies. But for now, I'm outta here.  
  
Kain teleports away. Weakened by the blow, Raziel falls back into the spirit realm. There, he sees the true form of the Soul Reaver… a wraith blade.  
  
///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\  
  
Okay, that's enough for now. I'm gonna end it there. Chapter getting too long. I got everyone who has reviewed as of now in the chapter. I might do something like this again in a future chapter, so if you want to be included, you better review! Next chappie, Raz meets Ariel and heads off to find Zephon! 


	7. Raziel Meets Ariel

A Bloody Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Seven: Raziel Meets Ariel  
  
When we last left off, Raziel had fallen back into the spectral realm, where he discovered the wraith form of the Soul Reaver.  
  
RAZIEL: I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed. I did not understand the game that Kain was playing. Then again, no one with an intellect superior to a ten-year-old would understand how to play Pokemon. But I knew the finishing move.   
  
Raziel reaches out and takes hold of the wraith blade. The sword coils and attaches itself to Raziel's arm.  
  
RAZIEL: NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL THOSE FUCKING LITTLE POKEMON WITH THIS NEW BLADE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
MIKOTO: Woah… Simmer down there, buddy.  
  
ELDER GOD: From this moment and ever afterward, you and this blade are inextricably bound.  
  
MIKOTO: You talkin' to me?  
  
EG: Soul Reaver and reaver of souls, your destinies are intertwined.  
  
MIKOTO: (to Raz) Oh, he means you…  
  
RAZIEL: Indeed, and I don't like the way that sounds. I don't think I want this sword anymore…  
  
Raziel tries to put the wraith blade down, but fails. The blade seems to be permanently attached to his arm. Frustrated, Raz shakes his arm around viciously, trying to free his arm from the spectral blade. However, this does not work either.  
  
RAZIEL: Damn blade… Get off me and go back into the other sword!!!  
  
Raz tries to knock the blade off his arm by smashing it into a nearby pillar, however, the spectral energy just phases through the stone structure.  
  
EG: By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison…  
  
RAZIEL: Well, it can go back, straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.  
  
EG: …and restored it to it's true form - a wraith blade, it's energy unbound.  
  
MIKOTO: Wait… If the Soul Reaver has returned to it's true form, then shouldn't it look like Raziel? He is, after all, the wraith blade…  
  
EG: Quiet wench! He can't know that yet!  
  
RAZIEL: Know what?  
  
EG: Nothing! Anyway, moving along… No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastic) Oh, sure… But as soon as I start getting my ass kicked, it's gonna run and hide inside my arm like a little coward. How 'useful' this malignant freeloader is…  
  
The EG remains silent. Obviously, he is no longer 'present'.  
  
MIKOTO: How 'convenient' that guy is… He only wants to give out information when he wants something done, but when you have a question about something that contradicts logical logic, he always runs away.  
  
RAZIEL: (giving Mikoto a skeptical look) 'logical logic'?  
  
MIKOTO: Shut up.  
  
Suddenly, a spirit makes itself known and floats down from behind the pillars.  
  
ARIEL: What are you little soul?  
  
RAZIEL: What do you mean, what am I? I'm a wraith like you, duh! Damn, your as dumb as you are ugly!  
  
ARIEL: (angrily) I think I know what you are now… Another of Kain's creatures, come to taunt this bound spectre?   
  
RAZIEL: Bound? If you were bound here, then how come I didn't see you floating around here all those times Kain knocked me into the spectral realm during our battle, hmm? Answer me that one, bonehead!  
  
ARIEL: I was here the entire time…  
  
RAZIEL: No you weren't! If you were here, then how many times did I smack Kain into submission?  
  
ARIEL: Um… Three?  
  
RAZIEL: (muttering under his breath) Damn, she got it right… Wait a sec… She ain't so smart. (to Ariel) You are so totally wrong!  
  
ARIEL: Four times?  
  
RAZIEL: Wrong again! Try a million times!  
  
MIKOTO: (returns Raziel's puzzled look from earlier) 'A million times?'  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up.  
  
ARIEL: Okay! Okay! I admit it… So I wasn't here. I was out getting my feet a pedicure…  
  
MIKOTO: Eh?  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, pretending to understand that and continuing onward… I did not intend to disturb your rest.  
  
ARIEL: Rest? A body is needed for sleep… Flesh and bone are required to recline.  
  
RAZIEL: What are you talking about? I'm a ghost too and I can relax just fine, see?  
  
Raziel hops onto the throne, his arms are behind his head and his feet are slung over one of the arms of the throne.  
  
ARIEL: No, child, all I may do is watch, and remember, ceaselessly conscious as this wretched world's history unfurls.  
  
RAZIEL: Wait, wait, wait! How can I trust your memory when you don't even remember who I am?   
  
ARIEL: What do you mean?   
  
RAZIEL: We've met before… twice! Once in Soul Reaver 2 and again in Defiance!  
  
MIKOTO: (smacks Raz) Shut up! You can't say that!  
  
RAZIEL: (rubbing the slap mark on his face) OW! Say what?  
  
MIKOTO: You can't say that you met Ariel in Defiance! That's a spoiler!  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, it's hardly a spoiler. Da bitch has appeared in almost every game… except Blood Omen 2... so I think it's only obvious that her ugly ass is in Defiance too.  
  
ARIEL: (angered again) Ghastly past, insufferable future, are they one and the same…? Am I always here?  
  
RAZIEL: Well, perhaps you are here in 'spirit', but mentally, you're way out there, you wacko. (muttering) Can't even remember someone with such good looks as myself…  
  
MIKOTO: HA! A little vain, are we?  
  
Raziel gives Mikoto a death glare, then turns his attention back to Ariel.  
  
RAZIEL: Let's just cut to the chase. How have you come to haunt these pillars? Couldn't you have found some other pillars to torment with your hideous face? Just look at how THESE pillars have suffered because of your presence! They're just stumps of their former glory!  
  
ARIEL: You think I caused this? This was not MY doing! This was the result of another's horrific visage! Kain refused the sacrifice. It is HIS horrible face that has destroyed the pillars. The Pillar of Balance, corrupted to its core, stands as a monument to his blind ambition. If only he looked in the mirror, he'd realize how his repulsive appearance has caused them to decay. Now these pillars serve only to bind me here -- my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of your master, Kain…  
  
RAZIEL: Zzzz… Zzzz… Zzzz…  
  
MIKOTO: Figures, he fell asleep…  
  
Mikoto walks behind the throne, and tips it forward, spilling Raziel onto the floor. (Never you mind that everyone is currently in the spectral realm and physical objects cannot be moved in said realm. And never you mind that even in the physical realm, such a feat is impossible. Divine authoress powers at work here…) When Raz collides with the floor, he snaps out of his sleep.  
  
RAZIEL: What the-? What just happened?  
  
ARIEL: Uh, your master… Kain… it's his fault I'm stuck here.  
  
RAZIEL: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Not even his precious Pikachu is loyal to that pinhead.  
  
ARIEL: Then we share a common foe, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: (muttering) Yeah… the plastic surgeon…  
  
ARIEL: Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten…  
  
RAZIEL: Well, I ain't coming back here then, considering that horrible memory of yours. And I won't have you look at your ugly face again either! Thank the EG that I no longer have eyes. Otherwise they would've melted from my face a la 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.  
  
Ariel sends Raziel one last death glare before she fades away. Raziel then makes his way out of the Sanctuary. Annoyingly, and as if right on cue, the Elder God once again makes himself known with more instruction for our dear Raziel.  
  
EG: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel… beyond the ruins that greet your exit from the Underworld. Armed with the Soul Reaver, you may gain entry where your path was previously blocked.  
  
RAZIEL: (in a whiney voice imitating the EG) Seek out Zephon, Raziel… Use the Soul Reaver, Raziel… Damn it! When the hell does a guy get a break around here?  
  
Mikoto pops up, holding a strange device in her hand.  
  
MIKOTO: I'm feeling kind of generous… I guess you can take a break now.  
  
RAZIEL: (sits on a nearby rock) Good. My feet were killing me. Hey, what's that thing you got in your hands?  
  
Mikoto holds up the object in her hands.  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, this? Just a PS controller… You don't have to worry about this little thing…  
  
RAZIEL: Anytime you tell me not to worry about something, it usually means I ought to be concerned. Now what does it do?  
  
MIKOTO: All you need to know is that this little device-thingy is what is gonna give you your little break.  
  
RAZIEL: What the-? How so?  
  
Mikoto doesn't answer. Instead, she starts fiddling with the controller.   
  
RAZIEL: What are you doing?  
  
Raziel attempts to stand, but finds he is frozen in place. It is then that he notices the cord that is attached to the controller. To Raziel's horror, the cord winds its way towards him. Mikoto wears a devious grin on her face, knowing full well that the controller is plugged into the back of Raziel's head via 'The Matrix' style.  
  
MIKOTO: You wanted a break, Raziel. So here is your break.  
  
RAZIEL: (panicked) What are you doing? Why do I feel funny?  
  
Raziel's body suddenly appears like green encryption coding, then he fades and disappears. It is then, that Mikoto answers Raziel's questions for him, even though he is no longer there.  
  
MIKOTO: Now, I've saved our progress and I shall take my leave of Nosgoth.  
  
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: (simultaneously) HURRAY! Ding, dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding, dong! The wicked witch is dead!  
  
MIKOTO: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU MORONS! I'm just leaving! And don't you worry… I'll be back!  
  
VAMPIRES OF NOSGOTH: DAMN IT!  
  
Mikoto then fades and disappears as well.  
  
Elsewhere…  
  
Raziel finds himself in a strange place he has never seen before. Tall structures constructed of metal and glass surround him. Hundreds of humans push past him, not in the least bit fazed that he is among them. Suddenly, he feels a foreboding presence behind him.  
  
RAZIEL: Mikoto, if that's you, I'm gonna stomp your face in for sending me here…  
  
Raz turns around, but Mikoto is not behind him. Instead, a middle-aged man in a suit and sunglasses is facing him.  
  
AGENT SMITH: Misssster Raziel… How good it is to finally have met you.  
  
RAZIEL: What the deuce? Why? Are you gay or something?  
  
AGENT SMITH: How dare you attempt to insult me. For that, you will pay.  
  
Smith takes a few steps towards Raz.  
  
RAZIEL: Look, I don't care what preferences you may have. I'm just not into that… Can't you see that I'm not exactly equipped anyway?  
  
AGENT SMITH: I'm going to tear you limb from limb. (runs towards Raz)  
  
RAZIEL: (takes off running) AUGH! Somebody get him away from me! He's worse than Moebius!!!  
  
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Yeah, this chapter is a little shorter. I'm still working out Raziel's venture through the Silent Cathedral in my head. And this chapter kind of ended on a weird note too. Just kind of a random thingy there. Well, hopefully, I'll have my next chapter up sooner than this one took. Oh, and as always, thank you for reading my silly LoK parody! ^_^ 


	8. The Silenced Cathedral

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Eight: The Silenced Cathedral  
  
Last time we met, Raziel had somehow gotten transported into the Matrix, where he accused Agent Smith of being gay. This is not the case however, and a very upset agent is now chasing down a very stupid vampire wraith who does not realize he could very easily kick Smith's ass.  
  
RAZIEL: I can? Oh, yeah… I CAN, can't I?  
  
Raziel halts in his tracks and turns to face Smith.  
  
AGENT SMITH: So you've finally decided to face your fate.  
  
RAZIEL: And what would YOU know of my fate? I don't even know what my fate is yet… I have a feeling Mikoto knows something about it, and if she does, she seems to be hiding it from me…  
  
AGENT SMITH: Come with me and I shall answer all your questions for you…  
  
RAZIEL: Uh, okay.  
  
Several minutes later, and several blocks away, Raziel and Smith are sitting at a table in a diner.  
  
RAZIEL: I SO understand everything now! It's like, the blue pills are like "hey", and the red pills are like "ho" and it's like, ya mix 'em all together, and it's all "hey, ho! C'mon! hey, ho!" Hey, Smith-guy! This is some kick-ass brownie you gave me! Where'd you get it?  
  
AGENT SMITH: I didn't give you a brownie…  
  
RAZIEL: (looks down at the half-eaten brownie in his claws) Then where'd this come from?  
  
At the next table over…  
  
TRINITY: Do you think the brownie is gonna work?  
  
MORPHEUS: Of course… we put enough pills in that thing, he should be waking up from the Matrix any second now.  
  
TRINITY: Are you sure he's the one?  
  
MORPHEUS: He has to be the one. He's the only one with free will, remember?  
  
Back at Raz's table…  
  
RAZIEL: (singing… badly) Hello, hello, hello… Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?  
  
AGENT SMITH: (growing irritated) How much longer must I put up with this fool? I know those humans are trying to contact him…  
  
Mikoto enters the diner and immediately spots Raziel at the table. She storms over and scolds Raz.  
  
MIKOTO: THERE you are! How the hell did you get here? Do you know I've been looking everywhere for you? I searched most of Middle Earth for you, and you're HERE the entire time goofing around! What have you got to say for yourself?  
  
RAZIEL: Mommy, why do you have three heads?  
  
Mikoto gives Raz an odd look, then turns her attention to Smith.  
  
MIKOTO: What have you done to him?  
  
AGENT SMITH: I've done nothing. Your associate is a complete idiot.  
  
MIKOTO: I know that! But he doesn't usually act this stupid! C'mon Raziel, you have a destiny to fulfill…   
  
The PS controller reappears in Mikoto's hands. She very forcefully slams the plug into the back of Razzi's skull.  
  
RAZIEL: That felt funny. Don't penetrate me like that again…  
  
Mikoto's jaw drops at Raziel's unintentional remark. She tries to scold him, but she has been rendered speechless. So, she does the only other logical thing one would do in this situation… she resorts to physical violence. She picks a plate up off the table and slams it on Raz's head, shattering it in the process.  
  
MIKOTO: And don't ever say anything like that again! Now let's go!  
  
Mikoto clicks a few buttons on the controller, and the two fade out of the Matrix world.  
  
At Trinity and Morpheus' table…  
  
TRINITY: I don't think he was 'the One'. Somehow, I don't think a relationship would have worked out with that guy…  
  
MORPHEUS: Yeah, uh… I knew he wasn't 'the One' the entire time… I was just, uh, testing you.. Yeah…  
  
TRINITY: Ri-i-i-i-i-ight…  
  
Back on Nosgoth (finally!), Raziel and Mikoto arrive in front of the steel gates of the Silent Cathedral. No longer in the Matrix world, the pills Raziel had ingested are no longer affecting him.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, but my head is killing me! I think I'm going through withdrawal!  
  
MIKOTO: Deal with it, pill-popper. Now use the Reaver on that door so we can get in there.  
  
RAZIEL: (sigh) Fine.  
  
Raz walks up to the door, and uses the blade to unlock the door. The metal slabs slide open, to reveal bars blocking the path.  
  
RAZIEL: What the crap! I opened the friggin' door, only to have friggin' bars block my path? What gives?  
  
MIKOTO: Just hurry up and do your plane-shift-thing and get in there.  
  
Raziel rolls his eyes (somehow) and does the 'plane-shift-thing'. On the other side of the gate, he returns to the physical realm. Unfortunately, he is met with a new breed of vampire: the children of Zephon.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, god! They're hideous! How did their limbs come to bend in such ways? Oh, dear lord! The monstrosity of it all!  
  
ZEPHONIM #1: Uh, we're over here…  
  
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, that's just a crack in the wall…  
  
Raziel turns around and faces the true Zephonim.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, sorry about that-- Oh, god! You're hideous! Oh, my eyes! I'm gonna go back to looking at the crack in the wall!  
  
ZEPHONIM #1: Dude, this CAN'T be the guy Lord Zephon said was coming to kill us. He's just way too stupid.  
  
ZEPHONIM #2: Yeah, let's go. I've got better things to do, like rehearse for the lead role in Arachnophobia II.  
  
ZEPHONIM #1: There's gonna be a sequel to that movie?  
  
ZEPHONIM #2: Uh, I haven't heard anyone mention anything about it yet, but it's good to be prepared, just in case…  
  
The two Zephonim leave. Raziel is in the middle of a one-sided conversation with the crack in the wall.  
  
RAZIEL: I don't know… How many Zephonim DOES is take to screw in a light bulb? (momentary silence) None? Hahahahahahahaha! I don't get it…  
  
Raziel moves onward and enters the big open area with all the silo-thingies. There's not really much interesting here, except a few annoying Zephonim crawling on the walls. Raziel makes his way to the top and enters the main cathedral. Inside, the air is still and stagnant. The pipes are quiet and covered in dust, having not been used in centuries.  
  
RAZIEL: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here, centuries dead.   
  
MIKOTO: (sarcastic) Yep, that's right, Razzy. No annoying humans here to 'bug' you. And you won't find any vampire-worshipping 'pests' here either. No siree!  
  
RAZIEL: Good, cuz I just want to get through this cathedral a.s.a.p. This place is a dump. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone.  
  
MIKOTO: They obviously should have done a better job building the place. Then perhaps the Zephonim wouldn't have been able to conquer the humans who had lived here.  
  
RAZIEL: Indeed. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly hymn, now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence.  
  
MIKOTO: Perhaps the humans of the past shouldn't have relied upon Ricky Martin to kill off the vampires. Though his voice is deadly to vampires, his music attracted Moebius' attention and that old pervert just had to come along and kidnap him for his own sick reasons.  
  
RAZIEL: That poor, poor soul. Even HE did not deserve that fate…  
  
MIKOTO: Are you talking about Ricky, or Moebius?  
  
RAZIEL: Does it matter? I think they are both suffering in each others' presence.  
  
Centuries ago, in Nosgoth's past--  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, hell no! We are NOT doing a flashback of THAT situation!  
  
NARRATOR: Sorry.  
  
MIKOTO: Well, Raz… seems like you've got some puzzles and such coming up. So I'll be outta here. See ya! (disappears)  
  
And this is marks the beginning of Raziel's annoyance. At first, Raz is unsure how to proceed through the cathedral. Eventually, he realizes he must reach a platform high above. But it takes him even longer to realize that he must switch to spectral to get up there.  
  
RAZIEL: (after falling off the too-steep pipe for the hundredth time) Damn it, narrator! If you knew how to do it all along, why didn't you tell me to begin with?  
  
Yes, it was very amusing to watch Raziel repeatedly fail at such a simple task. He climbs the platforms, switching back to the material world, and enters the first door. The room is empty, except for a few annoying vampires and a switch on the wall.  
  
RAZIEL: And conveniently, I am unable to flip said switch, I might add. I can jump up and reach the damn thing, but why is it I cannot move it, huh? It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Lara Croft can jump up and grab a switch! Why can't I? It's discrimination against the undead, I say!  
  
After Razzi's bitch-fest, he continues towards the next room, flipping another switch along the way. In the second room, he is confronted by more spidey-vamps and a block puzzle.  
  
RAZIEL: This doesn't look too hard. Just gotta match the pictures.  
  
A half hour goes by and Raziel has placed 3 blocks in their correct places. Raz has one more block to place and discovers it goes in a slot up above the floor.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, bloody hell! What is with people and making puzzles and switches above floor level! Damn it! Now I have to undo most of what I've done just to get this friggin' block in there!  
  
After an hour of block placing, Raziel returns to the first room, where a platform has extended from the wall. Flipping the switch, he returns to the larger chamber where there is now a strong air current flowing upwards. Raziel rides the jet stream to the next level up in the cathedral.   
  
Raz finds himself in another large chamber. Through a door to his right, he enters an area surrounded by glass. He notices the two bells, and after a few tries he is able get them ringing simultaneously. One of the glass panels smash to pieces.  
  
RAZIEL: Smashy! Smashy!  
  
Raziel then ventures into a room and spectral realm/shifts through a gate, where another block puzzle awaits him.  
  
RAZIEL: At least this time all the blocks slide into notches on ground level.  
  
Three hours later, the puzzle is complete. Raziel continues towards the next room.  
  
RAZIEL: And lo and behold! Another block puzzle! Damn it. This one's a little trickier.  
  
Seventeen hours later, this puzzle is complete.  
  
RAZIEL: Y'know, my arms are starting to get tired. And I'm also tired of those damn vampires dropping down on me every time I'm in the middle of placing a block. I'd kill 'em if I hadn't killed 'em already.  
  
Returning the area encased in glass, Raziel pulls a crank lever which causes a section of wall to move, revealing a path. Razzi searches in vain for the secret path, but cannot find it. He returns to the crank, to find it in its original position.  
  
RAZIEL: What the hell… Is someone playing pranks on me? I know I turned this! I'm not an idiot!  
  
MIKOTO: No one touched it, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: My ass no one's touched it. Levers don't just move on their own, y'know.  
  
MIKOTO: It's on a timer dumb ass. You have to shift to the spectral realm where time doesn't exist. Then you can get to the passage before it closes again.  
  
RAZIEL: You think you're so smart. I would've figured it out eventually.  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, well, the readers don't have time to wait for you to figure it out on your own.  
  
RAZIEL: Whatever…  
  
Raziel turns the crank again, this time switching to spectral. He finds the passage easily. He kills a few vampire worshippers.  
  
RAZIEL: …that Mikoto 'promised' wouldn't be there…  
  
MIKOTO: Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?  
  
Raziel follows some pipes up to a narrow path. He kills a Zephonim and proceeds to a small room where two vampire hunters have set up camp.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, look! It's that blue guy V.H.A. told us about!  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! How's it going, man? You here to kill the arachnid vampires now?  
  
RAZIEL: No, I'm just here to invite Zephon to my upcoming slumber party.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Slumber party? Sweet! Can we come too?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! Yeah! I can bring stuff to make s'mores!  
  
RAZIEL: Idiots… Wait a sec… What happened to Vampire Hunter D?  
  
Mikoto slaps Raziel in the back of the head.  
  
MIKOTO: Do you know nothing?  
  
RAZIEL: What?  
  
MIKOTO: Vampire Hunter D is already copyrighted to someone. I can't just go stealing a character created by someone else and throw them into a story.  
  
RAZIEL: Uh… DUH! What the hell do you think you're doing right now???  
  
MIKOTO: Shut up. Alright, fine. I can't have Vampire Hunter D in this story, cuz I don't know very much about him, okay? Jeez… Besides, he's probably cooler than you and he would steal the show from you. (sarcastic) And we wouldn't want THAT, now would we?  
  
RAZIEL: (ignoring the insult) I see you're finally admitting your ignorance, Mikoto.  
  
MIKOTO: (uber-angry) I'll show you ignorance.  
  
Mikoto steals the flamethrower from V.H.C. and points it at Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: (snicker) HA! You already know fire can't hurt me! Do your worst!  
  
Mikoto unleashes a barrage of flame upon Raziel, burning him to a crisp. The vampire wraith is in disbelief and stands silently in place. His eyes (the only part of his body unscathed by the fire) blink with perplexity.  
  
RAZIEL: That just-- That just doesn't make sense! I can walk through this bonfire right here and nothing happens! So why does that flamethrower hurt me? It's not fair, damn it!  
  
MIKOTO: (to V.H.C.) You can have this back now.  
  
Mikoto hands the flamethrower back to V.H.C.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: So, about this slumber party…   
  
RAZIEL: THERE IS NO SLUMBER PARTY!  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: But you said--  
  
RAZIEL: You're really starting to piss me off.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: Hey, we just want somewhere nice to sleep for a change.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Yeah! We've been stuck in this dump for five nights now! No one has saved us yet, that is, until you two showed up.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER C: That's right! We had begun to think that our fellow hunters believed us to be dead!  
  
RAZIEL: Is that so?  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: It's true!  
  
RAZIEL: (deviously) Well, then… why don't we give your 'fellow hunters' a good reason to think you're dead.  
  
MIKOTO: (suspiciously) Raz, what are you plotting?  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, nothing… hehehe…  
  
Raziel advances on the two hunters, cornering them. Using the wraith blade, he decapitates one. The headless body slumps to the ground as blood pumps from the stump that was once his neck. The second vampire hunter panicks.  
  
VAMPIRE HUNTER E: Hey, man! What's the deal? V.H.A. said you were cool!  
  
RAZIEL: Yeah? How nice of him. Too bad I killed him, huh?  
  
Raz then charges up the blade and impales V.H.E. His body explodes on impact. Raziel calmly walks away from the carnage.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah… I do so love springtime weather. The scent of fresh blood in the air… Human body parts raining down from the skies…  
  
MIKOTO: (shaking head in disapproval) You are a sick, sick bastard…  
  
RAZIEL: (with pride) I know.  
  
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Hmm… Does eight pages sound long enough for a chapter? I think so. I was replaying the cathedral as I was typing this, and MAN! What a bitch the cathedral is! Well, I'll finish off Zephon's lair next chapter. For now, a few review responses!  
  
ABBIL - *hands Abbil a cup of sugar mixed with a few drops of coffee and lines the floor around Abbil's chair with pillows* Breathe, child! Breathe! Okay, now you may continue laughing. Glad you find my story so funny!  
  
AQUASWORD - I agree.. Ariel is a big pain. And she always talks in such riddles too. She needs to just spit out what she's saying. None of that encrypted B.S.  
  
CABOOSE2814 - I'm glad you like the story so far. If I do another reviewer insertion chapter, I'll be sure to include you. I'll most likely do another one in the future. Don't know when yet, though. There are plenty of chapters left to do another on like chapter 6.  
  
COAD - Uh, didn't mean to confuse ya with the Matrix references during last chapter. But it's all over with now. Glad you like the rest, though.  
  
CORNCHILD - (formerly NINWHORE) Ya confused me for a moment with the name change. But it's cool. I like it. And I like my yellow sticker you gave me too! I shall wear it forever! ^_^  
  
DARK-SEPHIROTH - The poke ball is a good idea. Perhaps I shall steal it. Sorry I confused you too. The Matrix bit was just a random insertion into the story. ^_^;;  
  
KOMIKITTY - I don't know where that phrase originated. All I know is I learned it from my brother. He says it a lot. And I didn't really mean to make fun of Agent Smith. It was mostly a knock on Raz cuz he is really dumb and jumps to conclusions.  
  
MARINA'S MIST - I'm glad you like my story. Go ahead and put me in your story. I look forward to reading it!  
  
MORTAL SORA - More stupid vampire hunters for ya! I'm glad you think so highly of my parody! ^_^ And I have to agree with ya. The Elder God is a bigger pain in the ass than Ariel. The EG gets more annoying with each game, but Ariel gets uglier in each one. (Actually, she wasn't so bad in SR2.)  
  
OMEGA XSABRE - Wow. I think you get the award for the longest reviews! (Not saying I don't like them! ^_^) Sorry if I don't respond to reviews every chapter. Just that my chapters are so long to begin with and adding responses to every chapter would make each chapter extremely long. But don't stop reviewing! I'll respond every few chapters or so.  
  
PENNIEWISE - Yeah, the wraith blade pretty much sucked in this game. I always had another weapon with me. I was so dependant on carrying other weapons with me in this game, that in SR2, I hardly used the wraith blade either, even though it was much stronger in that game.  
  
SEEDYDEEDEE - *gives Deedee a mouth guard to bite into* There, now you won't go biting yourself while trying not to laugh! I'm glad you find my story so funny. It's hard to tell if it's really funny or not, cuz I can't seem to laugh at my own jokes. (I may have said that before.)  
  
TES AND KRYSTA - *places pillows around Tes' chair too* Yay! A new reviewer! I'm glad you think my story is funny! Seems I'm sending a lot of people falling out of their chairs from laughter. ^_^  
  
TRELELA - *returns hug* I'm glad you like! And oops. Sorry I got your name wrong. I went with the way it appears in the reviews. Forgive me!  
  
(And last but certainly not least…)  
  
VLADIMIR'S ANGEL - I'm flattered that you think I'm so good at comedy. Like I said to Deedee, it's so hard for me to know if I'm funny, especially when writing a story. Unlike making jokes directly in front of other people, writing a comedy is harder cuz I don't get an instant response, so it's hard to tell what jokes are funny and what aren't. But everyone's feedback is very helpful. ^_^ 


	9. Not Quite to Zephon Yet

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Nine: Not Quite to Zephon Yet  
  
Having vanquished the life-threatening threat of the half-witted human duo, Raziel continues his trek upwards through the cathedral. He eventually finds another shaft with fans at the bottom, but they are not yet active.  
  
RAZIEL: Of course not. Why should they be active? That would only make my quest far too easy.  
  
Shifting through a gate, Raziel comes upon the first of two rooms where strange caps are placed over sections of pipe. A few vampire worshippers provide some irritation.  
  
RAZIEL: Throw knives at me, will ya? I'll show you what for!  
  
Raziel charges the reaver and impales the worshippers with them, blowing them up in the process.  
  
RAZIEL: I could really get used to the satisfying feeling of blowing up stupid and irritating people.  
  
Raziel lifts the caps off the pipes and continues to the next room, doing the same there. (And exterminating a few Zephonim in the process). He returns to the shaft and flips the ground switches. He floats upwards, landing at the foot of a narrow passageway. At the other end of the winding passageway, a small room opens up. Some platforms are attached to the walls in a few places, but most noticeable is the three pipes pointing up towards a shaft in the ceiling. Of course, more vampires await Raziel.  
  
ZEPHONIM #3: Hey, it's that guy!  
  
ZEPHONIM #4: What guy?  
  
ZEPHONIM #3: That guy! The one over there! (points to Raz)  
  
ZEPHONIM #4: Yeah… What about 'im?  
  
ZEPHONIM #3: He helped me save 10% or more on my car insurance!  
  
ZEPHONIM #4: No he didn't. You're thinking of that little green dude from the Geico commercials.  
  
ZEPHONIM #3: Oh, yeah… Well, that guy DID kill those two vampire hunters downstairs.  
  
ZEPHONIM #4: Yeah! He DID, didn't he? Do you think we should go congratulate him on a job well done?  
  
ZEPHONIM #3: Yeah, sure! Why not? Hey blue-dude-- What the--! Where'd he go?  
  
While the vampires were carrying on in their 'intellectual' conversation, Raziel had continued towards the next room. Large pipes line one side of the room while a very tall, yet strange instrument is located on the opposite side. Raziel hops down from his perch high above, and strides into the little alcove where a plane-portal awaits him. He shifts to material, to find himself standing behind two powerful Zephonim.  
  
RAZIEL: (thinking) Oh, shit! Who's bright idea was it to stick me behind two assholes as soon as I shifted back?  
  
In the Underworld, the Elder God snickers at Raziel's predicament. Back at the cathedral, Raziel realized that the Zephonim are sleeping.  
  
RAZIEL: (under his breath) Slackers. Never would you have seen any of my children sleeping while on duty. Well… except for one; named Insomnia… Hmmm… I probably should've given her a better-suited name… (shrugs)  
  
Raziel tiptoes past the two Zephonim, careful not to wake them. As he walks away from them, he suddenly stops and turns back, and gently places the claw of one Zephonim onto the bum of the second.  
  
RAZIEL: Tee hee hee…  
  
Raz turns the crank at the bottom of the giant "Phantom of the Opera"-looking organ, then proceeds. He enters a room, lined with a pipe, and a bell in the center.  
  
RAZIEL: Ah, another of those annoying bells, eh? I suppose smacking this will open some passage like the others did… Stupid, predictable designers…  
  
Raziel whacks the bell with the reaver, but instead of the expected result, two Zephonim burst out of cocoons and surround him.  
  
ZEPHONIM #5: That bastard just woke us up!  
  
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!  
  
RAZIEL: That just fuggin' figures… I don't have time for this. (points to far wall) Look! It's the guy from Terminix!  
  
ZEPHONIM #5: Where?  
  
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!  
  
With the vampires distracted, Raziel flees by climbing the pipe upwards. The vampires realize they have been duped.  
  
ZEPHONIM #5: Stupid blue-guy! He tricked us!  
  
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!  
  
ZEPHONIM #5: (annoyed) Dude, shut the hell up. I'm going back to sleep. It's too early in the day to deal with you…  
  
ZEPHONIM #6: Let's get 'im!  
  
Zephonim #5 flips out and impales Zephonim #6 with a letter opener.  
  
ZEPHONIM #6: Ouchies! (dies)  
  
ZEPHONIM #5: Ah, much better! Silence is golden! That's why I chose to move into the cathedral all those years ago…  
  
Elsewhere, Raz makes his way to a little room that seems to be falling apart. He turns a second crank in that room and moves onward through a small corridor. This opens up to a huge room with many pipes overhead.  
  
RAZIEL: What IS it with this place and pipes? They're everywhere!  
  
MIKOTO: Duh, it's the cathedral… The entire building was designed as an instrument of death… Y'know, to rid Nosgoth of the vampire menace… Does any of this 'ring a bell' to you?  
  
RAZIEL: I'm going to assume that isn't a mock of my earlier mistake…  
  
Raziel climbs up the pipes, and turns the crank near the top. Then he carefully makes his way back down to where the section of pipe is separated from the rest.  
  
RAZIEL: No wonder Zephon was able to take control of the cathedral. Those lazy humans never finished construction of the damn place!  
  
MIKOTO: (while sitting on another section of pipe) Just hurry up and put it back together so we can move on…  
  
Raziel is about to comply to Mikoto's request, when he notices two Zephonim on the ground beneath him, waiting for him to drop back down to floor level. And Raziel suddenly gets a wonderfully wicked idea.  
  
RAZIEL: I suddenly had a wonderfully wicked idea!  
  
Instead of placing the pipe in the correct place, Raziel knocks the piping over the side and down towards the ground. The vampires below realize all too late what fate they are about to suffer. CRASH!  
  
ZEPHONIM #'s 7 and 8: Ouch… We're dead now…  
  
RAZIEL: (admiring his handy work from above) You were right, Mikoto. This place IS an instrument of death!  
  
MIKOTO: Raz, you are such an idiot!  
  
RAZIEL: What? I did us a favor! Now we don't have to be bothered with killing those two when we leave!  
  
MIKOTO: Did it ever occur to you that the pipe is uber-heavy? How do you suppose you are gonna get it back up there?  
  
RAZIEL: Is it really THAT crucial that the pipe goes in the gap here? C'mon, it's just a pipe!  
  
MIKOTO: Do you realize, that you won't be able to get to Zephon if you don't put the pipe in place?  
  
RAZIEL: Nope. My motto is: Act now. Think later.  
  
MIKOTO: (muttering) In your case, 'later' will never come… Well, there's only one person who can fix this problem.  
  
RAZIEL: Who's that?  
  
MIKOTO: (opening a plot hole in the wall) Kain.  
  
Mikoto pulls Kain from the plot hole. He's got a strange, plastic toy strapped to his left arm, and in his right claw, he holds a deck of cards.  
  
MIKOTO: NOW what junk are you obsessing over?  
  
KAIN: Junk!!! This isn't junk! This is official Yu Gi Oh stuff! I've got all the cards, and this really cool portable duel thingy on my arm, and--  
  
RAZIEL: Why did you bring him here, Mikoto?  
  
MIKOTO: Because he's the only one with telekinesis who can put that pipe back up there!  
  
RAZIEL: And what makes you think he'll help us? Last I recall, I was trying to kill him…  
  
MIKOTO: Cuz he's not that bright. Just look at him. He's over a thousand years old and he thinks Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh are real.  
  
KAIN: How dare you! They ARE real! Now you're gonna pay! It's time to d-d-d-d-duel!  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, look! Stutter-boy is gonna fight you with his little kiddie cards!  
  
KAIN: I don't stutter! And they're not kiddie cards! They're powerful devices used to summon monsters of great power!  
  
RAZIEL: Prove it, then, Kain the annoying pain.  
  
KAIN: Don't make fun of my name!!  
  
RAZIEL: Kain, who's afraid of the rain…  
  
KAIN: I'm warning you!  
  
RAZIEL: …who's going insane…  
  
KAIN: Last chance!  
  
RAZIEL: …who has no brain…  
  
KAIN: That's it!  
  
Kain draws a card from his deck and places it on his plastic arm accessory.  
  
KAIN: I summon the unholy power of… Turel!  
  
Turel suddenly appears.  
  
RAZIEL: (dumbfounded) You summoned Turel… Is that REALLY the best you can do?  
  
KAIN: Get 'im, my loyal minion!  
  
TUREL: I'm Batman!   
  
RAZIEL: Right… And Zephon is Spiderman and Rahab is Aquaman.  
  
MELCHIAH: Who do I get to be?  
  
MIKOTO: You don't get to be anybody. You're supposed to be dead.  
  
MELCHIAH: Oh yeah… (dies)  
  
TUREL: (ignoring Raziel) Hey Mikoto, ya wanna see what's in my 'utility belt'?  
  
MIKOTO: Pervert! You're outta here!  
  
Mikoto drop-kicks Turel into the plot hole. She steps off camera and returns a moment later with an armful of boards, a hammer, and several nails. She then proceeds to board up the plot hole, hoping to have locked Turel inside forever.  
  
MIKOTO: Well, that takes care of that! Now, onto more important matters… Kain, can you do me a favor?  
  
KAIN: (pouting) I donno… Why should I after you banished my most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh creature?  
  
MIKOTO: Um… I'll get you a stronger creature…  
  
KAIN: Really?  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, sure. Now, can you use your telekinesis to put this pipe in its correct place?  
  
KAIN: pffft… Of course I can! What would make you doubt my awesome power?  
  
Raziel opens his mouth to unleash another insult, but Mikoto cuts him off.  
  
MIKOTO: Don't Raziel. If you piss him off again, he won't do my bidding. And you want to get to Zephon, right?  
  
RAZIEL: I suppose… But it's so much more fun to harass the hell out of him.  
  
Kain easily places the pipe in place. He runs over to Mikoto to receive payment for his services.  
  
KAIN: So where's this new creature you promised me?  
  
MIKOTO: ; Uh… I put it at the bottom of the Oracle's Caves. Yeah, that's it! Why don't you go there and get it?  
  
KAIN: All the way over there? It's gonna take me a week to get there! (sigh) Alright. But it better be worth it! (teleports away)  
  
MIKOTO: Whew, that was easy…  
  
RAZIEL: Is there REALLY an uber-strong monster waiting for him there?  
  
MIKOTO: Uh, no…  
  
RAZIEL: You know he's gonna be pissed once he's found that out, don't you?  
  
MIKOTO: Bah! Once he gets there, he'll have long forgotten why he went down there in the first place. Don't worry, I've got it all under control.  
  
RAZIEL: You DO realize that there's time streaming devices down there don't you? Once he gets his curious little claws on those machines, all hell is gonna break loose…  
  
MIKOTO: Aw crap…  
  
Flash Forward to one week later…   
  
Kain has finally reached the bottom of the Chronoplast. He has long since forgotten about the creature Mikoto had promised him. He looks up at the devices inside the chamber, his eyes grow wide with curiosity. He playfully skips over to a panel with many mechanisms on it and stares at it in awe.  
  
KAIN: Oooh! What does this button do?  
  
Kain presses the shiny little button. Machines whirl to life and Kain is as giddy as a school child in front of a candy store… or a street bum with $20 standing in front of a liquor store… or a priest who just arrived at his new job at an all boys Catholic school… or--  
  
MIKOTO: Hey! Hey! Enough with the comparisons! You're starting to go a little too far here!  
  
NARRATOR: Sorry… ;  
  
Back in the present time…  
  
MIKOTO: Well, Raziel, you've got two more pipes to put into place. That shouldn't be too hard. So you go do that and I'll meet you upstairs.  
  
RAZIEL: Wait a second… How are you gonna get up there?  
  
MIKOTO: Simple… I'll take the elevator.  
  
RAZIEL: Why can't I take the elevator?  
  
MIKOTO: Because you can't.  
  
RAZIEL: (sarcastic) Ah, yes… That would be too easy now, wouldn't it?  
  
MIKOTO: Indeed. Well, I'll see ya in a little bit. (disappears)  
  
RAZIEL: Well, at least she's out of my hair for now.  
  
Raziel leaves the room and backtracks through the Cathedral, looking for the two pipes along the way. He works his way past the room with the giant organ thing and arrives back at the room below Zephon's chamber, where the three pipes end below the air shaft. He has still yet to find the misplaced pipes.  
  
RAZIEL: Bloody hell! I have to retrace my steps even further? If there truly is a hell, this place would be it!  
  
Leaving this room, he returns to the previous air shaft. He spots the first of the two misplaced pipes.  
  
RAZIEL: Damn it! It was here the entire time? If I'd have known I was gonna have to knock that thing down, I would've done it the first time I came through here! Who designed this place anyway? Do they know how annoying this place is to get through?  
  
Raziel finally stops whining and knocks the pipe into place. He sets off to find the third one. He travels from room to room searching for the third pipe, but cannot seem to find it.  
  
Two hours later…  
  
RAZIEL: (muttering) …stupid, damn, piece of shit pipe… Where the hell is it?  
  
Six hours later…  
  
Raziel is reading from the official "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver" strategy guide.  
  
RAZIEL: (confused) This doesn't make any sense! Who the hell writes this crap? I'm better off looking for it on my own!  
  
Thirty-four hours later…  
  
RAZIEL: That's it! I can't take this anymore! There has to be some sort of glitch somewhere! I'm gonna have to start from the beginning and retrace my steps!  
  
Game Paused  
  
SAVE GAME  
  
Select Game File  
  
SOUL REAVER A  
  
Reading Memory Card. Please Wait… Do You Wish to Overwrite Data?  
  
YES  
  
Saving to Memory Card. Please Do Not Turn Off Console or Remove Memory Card… Game Saved.  
  
CONTINUE  
  
Game Paused  
  
EXIT GAME  
  
Do You Really Wish to Quit?  
  
YES  
  
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver Start Menu  
  
START GAME  
  
Please Select File  
  
SOUL REAVER A  
  
Please Wait…  
  
RAZIEL: Ah crap! I have to start back at the Underworld? What the hell is this shit?  
  
ELDER GOD: Seek out Zephon's lair, Raziel… beyond the ruins that greet--  
  
RAZIEL: I KNOW! Damn it, it's only been 30 seconds since I was last in the Cathedral!  
  
Raziel leaves the bottom of the abyss, making his way through the Underworld, and back to the Cathedral. He climbs his way back to the top. He reaches the second air shaft and floats to the top. As he does so, he immediately notices the remaining dislocated pipe… just above the second one he had put into place.  
  
RAZIEL: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! I went through all that for nothing!  
  
He lands on the pipe and storms over to it, slamming it into place.  
  
RAZIEL: Now I'll finally get to that cockroach and beat him into a bloody pulp for all the hell he's put me through!  
  
Raz returns to the room where the three pipes end. He climbs up to the pipes, and uses the current to rise up through the narrow passage. He finds himself in an uber-icky tunnel that is lined with spider-webbing. Raziel makes his way through the corridor. At the end, Zephon's chamber awaits him.

* * *

As I post this chapter, I feel I should tell you that I already have the next chapter done. I had originally planned on ending chapter 9 with Zephon's defeat. However, that ended up being 16 pages long. So, I decided to split the chapter into 2 parts. After I proof read the battle with Zephon, I shall post it. Probably within a day or two.  
  
Also, when writing this chapter, I replayed the cathedral. Holy crap, was it ever annoying. The section of this chapter involving the puzzle with the pipes is based upon my difficulty trying to solve it. And the whole 'starting from the beginning' thing… I really did that to try to figure it out. I was uber-ticked when I found that last pipe… : (  
  
Next time, the fight against Zephon! I promise! Oh yeah… And thanks for reading and reviewing! 


	10. Zephon, At Last

A Bloody… Parody? Soul Reaver  
  
Chapter Ten: Zephon, At Last  
  
Raziel steps into Zephon's chamber. At the far end of the vast room, he finds Zephon and Mikoto waiting for him. As Raz approaches, they don't immediately take notice to his presence. They are far too busy crocheting little baby clothing.  
  
RAZIEL: Ahem!  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, Raziel! You're finally here! We were wondering when you'd arrive! Look! Isn't this cute?  
  
Mikoto hold ups the sweater she's been working on. It's baby blue and has six sleeves.  
  
RAZIEL: Why are you making these?  
  
MIKOTO: Cuz Zephon's gonna be a mommy and I'm gonna be an auntie!   
  
RAZIEL: But Zephon is a guy. At least he was when he was a lieutenant…   
  
Zephon finally notices Raziel.  
  
ZEPHON: Ah… The prodigal son… There is no returning for you, Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: Zephon, your visage becomes you… It's an appropriate reflection of your soul…  
  
ZEPHON: How dare you insult me like that! Unlike you, I have gotten in touch with my feminine side.  
  
RAZIEL: You've still become a hideous beast.  
  
ZEPHON: …and you are not His handsome Raziel anymore. His precious first-born son, turned betrayer. You have missed so many changes, little Raziel.  
  
RAZIEL: (muttering) Thank god…  
  
EG: You're welcome.  
  
RAZIEL: Shut up.  
  
ZEPHON: Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction has become my home… Indeed, my BODY. A cocoon of brick and granite from which to watch a pupating world…  
  
RAZIEL: A CREVICE in which to cower, only scuttling from the shadows to devour a victim already ensnared in your cowardly trap. But you've made the mistake of leaving me unbound, and it is YOU who must succumb to MY will.  
  
ZEPHON: Will… instinct… reflex action… the insect mind finds little difference. I warn you, brother - as my stature has grown, so it is matched by my appetite.  
  
MIKOTO: Yeah, he's gotta eat for 2000 now.  
  
ZEPHON: Step forward, morsel…  
  
Raziel charges towards Zephon, but before he has a chance to strike the giant insect-like vampire, Zephon unleashes a pain-ridden howl.  
  
RAZIEL: What a wuss… I haven't even touched him yet!  
  
MIKOTO: No! Zephon is going into labor! He's gonna have his babies!   
  
RAZIEL: Ew… I don't wanna stick around for this. Call me when it's over.  
  
Raziel turns to leave. As he takes a step, he is suddenly buried by a tital wave of 2000 insect eggs covered in slime.  
  
RAZIEL: This is the most disgusting moment of all my lives…  
  
MIKOTO: Congratulation, Zephon! What are you gonna name them?  
  
ZEPHON: Zephon Jr.  
  
MIKOTO: And what about the rest?  
  
ZEPHON: Zephon Jr.   
  
MIKOTO: I know… You already said that. But what are you gonna name the rest of the babies?  
  
ZEPHON: I already told you… They're all gonna be named Zephon Jr.  
  
MIKOTO: Okay…  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, Zephon!  
  
ZEPHON: What?  
  
Zephon looks up to Raziel, who has escaped from the gooey mass of vampire eggs. In each hand, Raziel has an egg, both engulfed in flame.  
  
ZEPHON: MY BABIES!!!  
  
Raziel hurls the two eggs at Zephon. The giant insect-vampire releases a horrific screech, caused by both the pain of the injuries inflicted upon him and the anguish over the loss of two of his babies. The scream reverberates throughout the chamber. Raziel and Mikoto cover their ears from the deafening noise.  
  
MIKOTO: (trying to talk over the noise) I don't think you should have done that Raziel!  
  
RAZIEL: No shit!   
  
Zephon's howling dies down. Suddenly, the pile of Zephon Jr. eggs begins to tremble. One by one, the eggs slowly open. Small limbs can be seen trying to pry their ways out from the eggs. Raziel's eyes widen with fear as a realization sets in.  
  
RAZIEL: Holy shit! They're face-huggers!  
  
The first of the face-huggers emerge from their eggs. Raziel quickly grabs the flamethrower from the dead vampire hunter at the entrance of the chamber. He unleashes the flamethrower at full flame upon the huge pile of alien-insect-vampire eggs.   
  
RAZIEL: Take that you bastards!  
  
Zephon screams in rage as his children are incinerated. However, a few of the face-huggers escape the fiery wrath. A dozen face-huggers sneak around behind Raziel and attack him. In a panic, Raziel drops the flamethrower and runs around the room, flailing his arms around, as the face-huggers attach to his face and body.  
  
RAZIEL: AAAAUUUGGHH! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!  
  
While Raziel runs around comically, Mikoto notices a stray face-hugger in the corner.  
  
MIKOTO: Aw, poor little guy… All the commotion has scared him… Don't worry, Auntie Mikoto is here to make you feel safe…  
  
Mikoto approaches the tiny face-hugger in an effort to comfort it. Meanwhile, Raziel has run blindly into a wall while trying to shake off the parasites attached to him. Using his claws, he is able to tear the little buggers off of him, but he is still having difficulty with the one attached to his face. Feeling the ground around him, Raziel finds a spear.   
  
RAZIEL: I'll get you, you little shit!  
  
Raziel thrusts the spear at the face-hugger. The little alien dodges at the last moment and Raziel has inadvertently stabbed himself.  
  
RAZIEL: AAUGH! My eye! It's ruined! I'm gonna kill you for that!  
  
Raziel removes the spear from his eye and grabs the face-hugger by the tail. He skewers the alien. With the little alien writhing at the end of the spear, Raziel holds it over the mass of burning eggs. The alien is slowly cooked alive. Zephon is none too happy about this.  
  
ZEPHON: My children! You've killed them!   
  
RAZIEL: And now I'm gonna kill you too!  
  
Raziel reclaims the flamethrower, and aims it at Zephon.  
  
RAZIEL: See you in hell, bitch!  
  
Razzy-boy fires the flamethrower, full blast at Zephon. The insect goes up in flames like a marshmallow thrown into a campfire.  
  
ZEPHON: IT BUUURRRRNNNSSS!!!  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, sorry about that! Here! Use this to put out the fire!  
  
Raz opens a plot hole, and pulls out an Olympic sized swimming pool.  
  
ZEPHON: Hey, how did you get Mikoto's authoress powers?  
  
RAZIEL: There's no time to explain that now! Hurry up and jump in there before you burn to death!  
  
ZEPHON: Oh yeah…  
  
Somehow, Zephon manages to detach himself from the walls and does a giant cannonball into the swimming pool. It is then, that he realizes his fatal mistake…  
  
ZEPHON: AAUUGGGHH!!! IT BUUURRNNSS!!! AND I'M MELTING! Melting! Melting… Oh, what a world… what a world…  
  
Zephon dies. His soul leaves his body, and it gathers in the air overhead. Raziel rises up into the air again, similar to when he absorbed Melchiah's soul.  
  
RAZIEL: (looking at the floor beneath him) Oh, no… Not this again…  
  
The soul is suddenly drawn into Razzy's body. Waves of electricity flow in and around him. When the soul is completely absorbed, Raziel is seemingly released and falls back down to the ground.  
  
RAZIEL: That hurts so FUCKING much!!! Why did that have to happen again?  
  
EG: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift.  
  
RAZIEL: I REALLY hope the gift isn't the ability to give birth!  
  
EG: No! You won't give birth like Zephon did! Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable - but only in the physical realm. In the spirit world, these insubstantial edifices will not support you.  
  
RAZIEL: And why does THAT not surprise me? I'm already a weak bastard in the spectral realm. Why not cut off my manhood while you're at it?  
  
EG: Er… Uh… If I were you, I wouldn't look down…  
  
RAZIEL: Why not? (looks down) AAUUGGHHH!!! You bastard! How could you!  
  
EG: What? I can't hear you! I think you're breaking up! I'll call you back later! (beep)  
  
RAZIEL: Damn shitty cell phones. Wait a sec- He doesn't have a cell phone! That bastard tricked me! God damn it! C'mon, Mikoto! Let's get out of here! Mikoto?  
  
Raziel turns and surveys the room, looking for Mikoto. He sees her in the shadows in the far corner of the room with her back to him.  
  
RAZIEL: Mikoto?  
  
Raz approaches her, but she does not move. She does nothing to indicate that she has heard him. As he gets closer, he can see the legs of a face-hugger moving along the sides of her head.  
  
RAZIEL: (concerned) Mikoto? Are you--?  
  
He waits for a moment, and watches for any reaction. There is none. The concerned look on Razzi's face slowly fades, and is replaced with a deviously delighted grin.  
  
RAZIEL: HURRAY! I'm free from Mikoto's insanity forever! Meeheheheheheheheheehe!  
  
Raziel bounds around the room, ecstatic that Mikoto has finally met her fate. After several moments, he calms down and approaches Mikoto once more.  
  
RAZIEL: Oh, this is the most perfect day of my un-un-life! I just have to witness Mikoto's suffering face to face!  
  
Raz reaches over to turn Mikoto around, when suddenly she jumps up, startling the reaver of souls.  
  
RAZIEL: AAUUUGGGHHH!!  
  
MIKOTO: Oh, sorry, Razzi! Didn't mean to scare ya. Look at my new pet! Isn't he so cute?  
  
Mikoto holds up the face-hugger for Raziel to see. The little alien squirms fearfully, desperately attempting to free itself from Mikoto's death grip. Raziel takes in the situation, and is horribly disappointed that Mikoto shall not be dying any time soon.  
  
RAZIEL: Get that thing away from me.  
  
MIKOTO: (pouts) You're so mean. You've gone and made Alfonso sad…  
  
RAZIEL: You named him Alfonso…?  
  
MIKOTO: Yep!   
  
RAZIEL: C'mon… Let's just get out of here.  
  
Raziel and Mikoto (with Alfonso in tow) leave Zephon's chamber. Right on cue, the Elder God gives his next instructions.  
  
EG: In the mountains beyond the Pillars, Nosgoth's cataclysms expose an ancient blasphemy. Having devoured Zephon's soul, you may now progress where your path was hitherto impeded.   
  
RAZIEL: Damn it! I have to go through that damn Sanctuary AGAIN!? I am really sick of being used like a frickin' yo-yo! (to Mikoto) Will you cut that out?  
  
MIKOTO: (ignoring Raz, cuddling Alfonso) Who's my cute li'l Alfonso? That's right! You're my cute li'l guy! Yes you are!  
  
RAZIEL: Somebody PLEASE put me out of my misery!?

* * *

See? I kept my promise! Zephon is no more! Thanks for all the reviews! I've noticed that a few questions have popped up a few times in a couple of reviews, so here's a mini Q&A:  
  
**_Are you going to write another chapter that includes the reviewers?_**  
  
Yes. I'm planning on it. But it won't be for a few more chapters yet. Just wait for it. I promise you'll enjoy it.  
  
**_Do you plan on writing a sequel to "The Soul Reaver and Spirit Shield"?  
_**  
No. I once considered writing a one shot based on it, but decided against it. I've chosen to leave the story as it is.  
  
**_Do you plan on continuing "A Bloody Paradox"?_**  
  
I have no clue. I hit a writer's block with that story. Just kind of ran out of plot ideas. That is why I decided to write this parody. The story is already written… I can just "take the piss" out of every aspect of it. (Please don't sue me for that comment, Crystal Dynamics…)  
  
**_Do you plan on writing a parody of Soul Reaver 2?  
_**  
I'm considering it. If I haven't run out of ideas by the time this parody is complete, then perhaps I shall. We'll just see when that time comes, I guess… 


End file.
